the unbroken Song.

This has been, without question, the most difficult absence from this blog that i have ever dealt with. Since the last post, the word "busy" has taken on a completely new meaning in my mind, as school and other involvements got to a point where i felt like i was on the verge of breaking down multiple times a day. i am the type of person that likes to work through an issue or a problem and then come to a conclusion, because i simply like to see things get done. But throughout the last couple of months, there were so many things going on at once, and none of them were coming to completion, that i really felt like i was going to go crazy.

But i did not (exactly) go crazy. And i assure you that such a fact is quite an example of God caring for me and Loving me more than i can fathom. His Strength really was made perfect at times when i felt there was no way i would be able to carry out my responsibilities at all, much less with any quality. It was one of those simultaneously harrowing and wonderful times. Although i don't know if i've ever been quite so scared and comforted in my life, at the same time. And to be honest, probably mostly scared.

But that is enough context into the story behind the reasons for my absence, i should now like to make things right.

The first order of business is that my life has been completely and most incredibly changed, forever. And why? Well, it seems that i succeeded in pulling off one of the greatest frauds the world has ever seen by tricking my best friend into becoming my future wife, for when i asked her to marry me, she said "yes!!" This is a fact that i have yet to come to a full grasp of, but i suspect i probably never will. It has been an immense joy and privilege and the most exciting learning experience of my life spending the last 13 months getting to know Amy, and also getting to know myself. It really is very interesting that i hardly know what to write about it now, just as i hardly could get words out when i was on one knee on the night of November 18th.

Moments like that are the kind that you may not even dream of because they seem so foreign or so distant that dreaming seems irrational or silly. But i assure you, whatever dreams i had of finding a woman i wanted to marry and spend the rest of my life with were but a really scribbled out, 4-year old sketch of what God had in store. Because here's the thing about marriage that most everyone in the world, including Christians, gets wrong. And in getting it wrong we miss out on what God really has in store for us:

God did not create marriage to make a husband and a wife happy, and He did not create a marriage so that we could have sex, and He did not create marriage to meet all our needs. God created marriage so that a man and a woman together could do more for His Kingdom and His Glory than they could by themselves. He created marriage to teach us the toughest lessons anyone could ever learn about what it means to love others. He created marriage to give us the most incredible picture of His Love for us, sinners. And it is the sincere prayer and hope of Amy and i that we would seek first His Kingdom. Above all else.

So, thank you dear Reader, for reading throughout the lifetime of this blog. i am now betrothed. To be married. And as much as i could go on and on ad nauseum over my excitement of this fact, i will refrain.

Yesterday was the last day of class of the last semester of my undergraduate college education. There are probably 8 inches of snow on the ground (in my mind this is a conservative estimation), and ASU has a quarterfinal playoff game Saturday afternoon, and i am two cumulative finals away from Christmas break. This is another fact that has yet to hit me, although unlike the previous one, i'm sure this one will, eventually, hit me. How in the world am i almost to the end of college? i remember very vividly moving into my freshman dorm, and it was hot, and i was wearing a red Nautica t-shirt that Phil left at my house and i never gave it back. And i didn't know a thing about accounting, and although i am just now beginning to grasp the depth of accounting knowledge of which i am totally unaware, i do at least know a few things. So take that for what you will.

The last three and a half years have been quite a whirlwind. i went to New York City for the first time. i went to Mexico City twice. i went to New York City for the second time and Washington, D.C for the first time. i met my fiance (and my match) on a plane back from Mexico City the second time. i traded good times with friends for studying more than i should have my sophomore year. i found that i was naive about alot of things. i know that i am still naive about alot of things. i found that accounting slowly but surely has eroded my athletic abilities, as well as my skills on a basketball court. i missed my family an awful lot. i was a cheerleader and coach for the most dominant co-ed soccer team this world has seen. i found brothers. i (thankfully) did not get a 4.0. i played music with the most talented bunch of musicians that i ever have or probably ever will have the privilege of playing with.

But really, the best thing about the last three and a half years is that i've learned (albeit very, very slowly) how to grow closer to Jesus when no one is watching, and to try and crucify my awful pride when people are watching, and to become more and more like the son of the King that i am. In God's economy, the last are first, and the first are last. His is the currency of Grace. His is life everlasting and abundant. His is dominion and rule and authority over all of Creation, including you and me. How does that impact your life today? Will you let it? Do you even know that God desires an intimate relationship with you so much that He would send His Son Jesus to die for you and me on a Roman cross? Because He does. He has pursued you since before you were, relentlessly giving chase after your heart. All that's left is for you to respond in faith, realizing you could never cover your sin, and that that sin is keeping you eternally separated from God in His Kingdom. Then believe that His Son Jesus' death for you not only covers sin, but totally wipes it away. That is the gospel, and it has changed me, and it continues to change me, and the whole world will never be the same.



In closing, as it nears Christmas Day, i would like to share with you the following poem by Henry Wadsworth Longfellow. It was written on Christmas Day in 1864, in the midst of America's Civil War. Entitled "Christmas Bells":

"I heard the bells on Christmas Day
Their old familiar carols play,
And wild and sweet
The words repeat
Of peace on earth, good-will to men!


And thought how, as the day had come,
The belfries of all Christendom
Had rolled along
The unbroken song
Of peace on earth, good-will to men!


Till, ringing, singing on its way,
The world revolved from night to day,
A voice, a chime
A chant sublime
Of peace on earth, good-will to men!


Then from each black accursed mouth
The cannon thundered in the South,
And with the sound
The carols drowned
Of peace on earth, good-will to men!


It was as if an earthquake rent
The hearth-stones of a continent,
And made forlorn
The households born
Of peace on earth, good-will to men!


And in despair I bowed my head;
"There is no peace on earth," I said;
"For hate is strong,
And mocks the song
Of peace on earth, good-will to men!"


Then pealed the bells more loud and deep:
"God is not dead; nor doth he sleep!
The Wrong shall fail,
The Right prevail,
With peace on earth, good-will to men!"

Inquisite.

Even the cried river must be crossed,
for what is a man, if he will not build bridges?
And even burnt bridges must be repaired,
for what is a man, if he turns from the singeing?

A vapor that has already dissipated,
An empty tent.

thank you.

There are certain things that must be said. Do you realize how many things ought to be said but are instead assumed by everyone, and not said? Lots of things.

i find it amazing how quickly Pandora radio went from being a really cool, newish technology to now morphing into an advertising website that sometimes plays the music you wish it to. i do very much appreciate its existence and the trend of internet radio that it helped to pioneer, but oh how quickly profit changes things. You can quote me on that: "Oh how quickly profit changes things." - thewelfareblogger. Bam. Free.


About two hours ago, i was really tired and wanted to go to bed, but i decided to make a pot of coffee and do some homework so that my morning would be free of worry or care. Well, it so happens that the homework was interesting, and i enjoyed it. That has happened more this semester than probably any other semester, i would say. At any rate, the coffee has not only gotten me through the reading, but has in fact sustained my heart rate and attention span at such levels that sleep is not so close as i imagined it would be at 1:52am. Writing is the best thing i know to do in such situations, and it has been entirely too long since i have written anything anyways. So here i am, and there you are.

Many people believe Jazz music is impeccable. And it is. But how many conversations have you overheard where the matter of that which your are overhearing is centered around John Coltrane or Wynton Marsalis? And for those of you who assume that Jazz music is not worth listening to, then it must be said that i feel sorry for you. i cannot sit idly by and simply assume you are worth feeling sorry for. i must tell you. Still more people are of the persuasion that says "flying planes is awesome." But, if you stop and think about it, how ridiculous is it that thousands of pounds of metal and flesh can be tens of thousands of feet in the air? And it's not like God is dangling the plane from heaven with some invisible heavenly titanium string of sorts. At least not to my limited knowledge. It must be said that such acts of gravity defiance are beautiful. Almost everyone assumes that anything being described as characteristically Dutch must be, on all counts, wondrous. But no one bothers to say that. Except, of course, me.

But it is very hard for me to write and not have something (hopefully) meaningful to say, and so i leave you with this: Stop assuming that others know you are sorry for whatever hurt you've caused. Stop thinking that asking forgiveness is simply a formality. Stop getting angry at others for not offering help when you have not asked for it. And since most everyone assumes our generation is practically thankless and does not hesitate to say so, let us never keep our thanks silent, because it is not a given. You see, the number of ways words can be misinterpreted is far exceeded by the number of ways silence can be misunderstood.

"Cleaning Blood"

There is a certain blood that cleans,
without a special shade or sheen.
Yet poured out on the cross is seen
the life of God, for you and me.

Leaves fall just like snowflakes.

"There is a kind of happiness and wonder that makes you serious."
- C.S. Lewis

Do you understand that? i mean, is that something that exists in your life? Because you need it. Humans, by virtue of being created in the very image of His Majesty the King, need it. It is a need imprinted on our souls in a way that DNA could never hope to describe, and it must come to fulfillment only in the joy that exists when we realize that abundant life is found only in Jesus' unfair murder. Do you see it there? It is a happiness and wonder to be loved by God, but how can we not be serious when that Love knew no bounds, found no quenching, and keeps pouring down like the thunderstorm outside right now? It is silly to speak of Jesus' Love in only lighthearted, warm ways when it was that same Love that went to Golgotha, and it was that same Love that is jealous and passionate in such awe-inspiring ways that our only response is as Isaiah: "Woe is me! For I am lost; for I am a man of unclean lips, and I dwell in the midst of a people of unclean lips; for my eyes have seen the King."

Do you know what it is to be loved by a person to such an extent that you are almost scared of it? You find yourself hurting that person and failing miserably at loving them back, and yet they still pursue you with what seems like relentless intensity. It is a sobering and humbling place in which to find yourself, but it is also life-changing. But Jesus. Don't you see that He is so immeasurably more relentless and passionate and jealous for you? Don't you see that He can never fail you? Don't you see that even your husband or your wife or your mother or your father or your best friend could never in eternity hope to Love you without ceasing, and without dimming the quality and the perplexity of that Love?

"This mystery is profound..."

"You can get all A's and still flunk life."

i am in a class--which is covering topics in financial accounting--and the other day my professor made a very thought provoking comment, which, it lacking any nerdy technical value, i thought i would share.

He had been speaking specifically about the financial crisis that we are either still wallowing in or at most finding a small thorny vine with which to start pulling ourselves out, and in commenting on the suspect lending policies at many fine banking institutions, he said the following:

"Any con game that is successful is not successful because of the greed of the con man, for that is a given. In reality, the successful con game is just so because of the greed of the victim."

Yes, you can find truth, even in ACC 4550.

"No one thinks of how much blood it costs."

Today, i saw people attempting a game of Quidditch on the mall. But without a Snitch, i can't imagine it's quite the same. Not to mention the lack of flying broomsticks. Nonetheless, it brought joy to my heart. That part of the heart that smiles when your stomach has a (Diet) Coke and some Peanut M&M's.

Today, i was with about fifteen other college-aged men and women (if such could be said of us), and an adult began talking about how our generation just doesn't really think enough of the future to plan or do hard things in the present. And she said, "not like it's a bad thing necessarily." But isn't it a bad thing, necessarily? Dostoevsky had the following to say of humanity: "If he is not stupid, he is monstrously ungrateful! Phenomenally ungrateful. In fact, I believe that the best definition of man is the ungrateful biped." And since we aren't even thankful for the present, then what is to prevent us from also taking the future for granted?

Today, i learned that old friends can become new friends again. And what a gift friendship is.

Today, i thought to myself, "it is interesting that we must make somewhat arbitrary rules about accounting when the business world of which accounting is the language is hardly arbitrary."

Today, God was good. And He has been good all the Todays that ever were. And He will be good for all the Todays that ever will be. And even when time wasn't ticking, He was always good, and even when time goes away again, He will always be good. His goodness doesn't depend on our idea of His goodness, because we are not good people.

But we are redeemed people. And we are holy and blameless in His sight.

Goodness, it seems, begins to take on an altogether different meaning when we think of that, no?

calling.

"By faith, Abraham, when called to a place he would later receive as an inheritance, obeyed and went, even though he did not know where he was going."

Hebrews 11:8

Summer Reading.

     Indeed, the summer is over. For those of you who have been reading, i felt it appropriate to update you on my final reading list for the summer:

1. Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone (J.K. Rowling) - She is a wonderful story-teller. Very much enjoyed these.
2. Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets
3. Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban
4. Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire
5. Harry Potter and the Order of the Pheonix
6. Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince
7. Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows
8. second half of The Brothers Karamazov (Fyodor Dostoevsky) - this was twice the "accomplishment" of the previous seven combined. At least. It was heavy enough to really take an entire summer to sift through, but that certainly does not detract from its worth as a masterpiece.
9. The Pilgrim's Regress (C.S. Lewis) - i wouldn't even attempt to describe his genius.
10. Till We Have Faces (C.S. Lewis)
11. Oliver Twist (Charles Dickens) - Marvelously uplifting and convicting, at the same time.
12. The Call (Os Guinness) - i've still got about 30% of this to finish.



On an unrelated note, i think that a foundational truth that can be applied to a "mature" follower of Jesus is that he or she recognizes the blessing of God not simply in the "yes answers" to prayer; and not only in the happy things; and not just when we get a job or a raise or get married or have a child; but also in the fact that God gives His blessing just as passionately and knowingly in the rough times we face. That may be one of the most difficult parts of Biblical maturity. For me it is.

"After Reading a Child's Guide to Modern Physics"

The following is an excerpt from a poem by Wystan Hugh Auden (W.H. Auden, what a cool name those initials are hiding) with the title that coincides with the title of this post.

This passion of our kind
For the process of finding out
Is a fact one can hardly doubt,
But I would rejoice in it more
If I knew more clearly what
We wanted the knowledge for,
Felt certain still that the mind
Is free to know or not.

monograms.

i am so very tired. But God is still so good.

Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.

2 Corinthians 12:8-10

and all the twinkling, starry hosts.

i should read more. Everyone--well, most everyone--should read more. And i may step on toes here, but i am not talking of Harry Potter (which i liked reading, alot) or Twilight (which i generally despise) or Bob the Builder (which is mesmerizing) or the Hardy Boys (sleuthing is great), but of books whereby we are challenged intellectually and spiritually, and personally. There is, perhaps, nothing inherently wrong with reading for pleasure, or to simply pass the time, but is that really any different from just watching TV? i mean, i don't know the answer to that question, and i pose it quite as vigorously to myself as i do to you, but the fact that i can't immediately say with confidence that it is different from watching TV makes me think it may not be.

People who have read this blog from day one may recognize this topic as a sort of soapbox for me, and maybe i'm being "ridiculous," but at least humor me. The first thing is that, if you and i aren't being challenged by the things we read, then from whence comes the challenge? One in twenty movies, maybe. And usually just portions of them (i.e., i found Book of Eli to be challenging, in places). Maybe a song will impact you emotionally, or even spiritually, but i don't know that i've been challenged by a song. Sports? Can't see it there. For me, blogging is only intellectually and spiritually and personally challenging when i've been reading something that has already done that and then find myself trying to communicate those things to you, the reader. So, our media-saturated society seems to offer little. The second thing is that, if we are not reading "substance" (and i don't believe we are, as a generation and as a culture), then the very valuable resource of challenge, other people, has largely disappeared. And not only that, but we ourselves begin to be deficient in our ability to actually do the challenging. How can iron sharpen iron if there is no iron to begin with? i fear we are trying to sharpen play dough with plastic forks.

i cannot define for you what "substance" is. However, i can guarantee you that God's Word is substance. It is Truth, and there is not falsehood in it. But beyond that? Well, just because something is easy to read doesn't mean it lacks substance, just as difficult reads do not necessarily contain it. i suppose that it must ultimately be something you search for yourself, always looking through the lens of scripture. And even when you do "read for pleasure," seek truth. i have found truth in some very odd places. We must always be willing to confront ourselves, and ask if we are willing to love God with our minds. The Fall has made you and i very susceptible to all kinds of heresy, but there is always Hope, for the Word became flesh and dwelt among us.

Now.

Then.

 

"What the Bird Said Early in the Year"

I heard in Addison’s Walk a bird sing clear:
This year the summer will come true. This year. This year.

Winds will not strip the blossom from the apple trees
This year nor want of rain destroy the peas.

This year time’s nature will no more defeat you.
Nor all the promised moments in their passing cheat you.

This time they will not lead you round and back
To Autumn, one year older, by the well worn track.

This year, this year, as all these flowers foretell,
We shall escape the circle and undo the spell.

Often deceived, yet open once again your heart,
Quick, quick, quick, quick! – the gates are drawn apart.

-C.S. Lewis

"The First Law of Socio-genetics."

Celibacy is not hereditary.

let's play a game called, "Find the hugest ego."

i like this picture tho.

"Following false copies of the good, that no sincere fulfillment of their promise make."

"In short--truth does matter, all claims have consequences, and contrast is the mother of clarity. The ideal of the 'examined life' is as important when it comes to purpose as in any part of life. It would be absurd to be rigorous in examining our insurance policies or preparing our tax returns but blithely casual in deciding what is the purpose of life itself."

-Os Guinness

prone to wander.

There were three digits of degrees Fahrenheit today. That is too many.

Okay, so i'm a weird person now, which may or may not come as a surprise to you (probably not), but when i was a kid, my strange/odd/preposterous side was much more visible to even the less discerning of eyes. This tended to manifest itself in many ways, but one was that from the age of (as far as i can tell) 5 to 7, it seems that i wore the same outfit about four days a week in the summer. It was simplicity at its finest and fashion in its grave. Orange tank top. Teal shorts.

Now, earlier in this summer--which, by the way, draws swiftly to a close, even as i write--i was scanning some pictures for my sister's upcoming wedding and noticed this fact which i have just disclosed. Seriously, these are pictures for her wedding, so it follows naturally that i would not be in that many of them. Therefore, the number of pictures that i was in and found myself in that age bracket would be even smaller (this is statistics. multiply those two together to find the answer.) HOWEVER, i found no less than three pictures of me in that very outfit. Orange tank top. Teal shorts.

It gets better. So, when my mom confirmed that i did, in fact, wear that outfit all the time, i decided something. i decided then and there that i would actually fuse together my past and my present. i felt some sort of explosion might even take place when it happened. So i began a quest to find an orange tank top and teal shorts, and once found, wear them four days a week. Give or take. But everywhere i went, disappointment. Red tanks, three shades of blue tanks, green tanks, yellow tanks. Taupe tank tops. NO ORANGE TANKS ANYWHERE. Why the Sam Hill there aren't any orange tank tops for sale, anywhere, is beyond my wildest guesses, but the fact is that my quest had turned into a tragic comedy.

Well, suffice it to say that my dejection over this matter was not epic (for that is a ravaged word) but was on all accounts unprecedented. True, it wasn't affecting my appetite (at least not yet), but i do think that it kept me from some sleep on some nights. One can never be sure.

An aside: i realize there may be readers who wonder why there is a woman in my picture and yet i rarely write about her on here. i have reasons for this which i think are good, and honestly, those reasons are no business of yours. In an age of everyone knowing everyone's business, i choose not to be a part of everyone, and that is my prerogative.

She plays an absolutely integral part in this quest, though, and so i must break my own rules in this post. i'd be lying if i said i didn't relish that opportunity. She, of course, knows all about how weird i am, and yet still likes to be seen in public with me. Mostly. The crazy thing is that that's not the most crazy thing about this story. You see, she knew how stressful the failing quest was for me, and she took up the quest with me. And last week, lo and behold, SHE FOUND ME AN ORANGE TANK TOP AND SURPRISED ME WITH IT AS A GIFT AND THE VERY NEXT DAY I FOUND TEAL SHORTS AT TJ MAXX ON SALE!



i shall post a picture of my fusion of past and present eventually. i am simply waiting for the world to be able to receive such an image. The house was buzzing with a sort of quasi-radioactivity today as i put on my new/old/atthesametime outfit.


the end.

another Dutchman.

Kyle is playing for the Chicago Bulls now, for those of you who don't keep up with such things. He threw out the first pitch at Wrigley yesterday. The video is pretty hilarious.

of soccer and men.

Soccer is a beautiful game, but the way my Dutchmen played it against the Spaniards was anything but beautiful, and so it cost them. And yet, i am still extremely proud of the Oranje, just as i am proud of the US team. Perhaps the world simply couldn't have handled the celebration that would have ensued in Amsterdam. Certainly my home couldn't have handled my individual celebration. And i am not even Dutch by birth.

Life will go on after the World Cup. They say that over 700 million people watched the final between Spain and the Netherlands, which represents approximately 10% of the entire world population. It is interesting to me that for a month, people of all walks of life put down life and become spectators of what is the international sporting language. Some say it is a unifying event, others would disagree. Perhaps many would take issue with the statement that soccer is even beautiful. Most Americans dislike or even hate the sport because there isn't enough scoring. That's because Americans love commercials, and Americans have gotten used to instant gratification, and Americans are in love with meritocracy and quantification. There is no quantification for much of what makes soccer, in my mind at least, beautiful.

But this is only a tangent. What is most interesting is that life will go on. And after the most incredible sporting event in the world crowns its victor every four years, there is still life. And that life begs the "eternal question." Hamlet's question. The questions that haunt the richest and the poorest, those who had box seats for the World Cup final and those of the 90% who didn't see it because they didn't even have electricity. You must answer these questions, just as i must answer them. Is there a purpose for human existence? If so, what is it and how can we determine it? Is there a purpose for your individual daily life? If so, in what or Whom or in reaching what end is it found? What is love? How can i love and whom should i love? Am i to be held accountable by Anyone but myself?


if there is a God, where is He?


The following is a blog post i read just recently. Some of these questions come up, and, although perhaps quite implicity, are even dealt with in a fashion. In fact, it seems that all of the questions that face us are answered by the author in the last two sentences of the text.

I wish that when I was younger I could have met my current self. We would have sat down at a coffee shop so that I could explain life to young me in terms that only we would understand. It would have saved me a lot of hardship.

You can listen to all the sage wisdom you want, but things only make sense when you can explain them to yourself in your own words. For instance, I’ve been told for three years that Breaking Bad is the best show on television, but only after I watched it was I able to tell myself exactly why everyone was right. Other truths I know now that I can explain them: that I’m not missing any crucial information and that poker really isn’t all that fun; that heartbreaks do fade but they take about a year longer than you expect and by the time they do you really don’t care about it enough to notice; and above all else, life is simpler than you think.

I used to think that life was an intricate series of levers and pulleys, buttons and switches, Mexican standoffs and hostage negotiations. As I get older I realize that life is more Netherlands minimalist than Jackson Pollock. The problems don’t get fewer, and in fact they grow in number, but the way I index them in the database is different. More problems get filed under fewer category headers.

Things are getting simpler, and it’s making life better. Here’s the cheat sheet:

People want to be liked. We all crave attention and affection and we all reject shame. When we get embarrassed we send a thug version of ourselves to the forefront to do our fighting for us. We’re at the top of the food chain just under fear. We don’t want to be in a relationship to hear the words “I love you,” we want to be in a relationship to say the words “I love you.” We want to feel needed, and exceptional and we hate feeling insignificant. We want to ace a hearing test. We are binary creatures; if we’re the plaintiff, we want to win every dollar. If we’re the defendant, we want to guard every penny. We want to make more money than last year. We don’t want to get cancer or die in our cars and we want the same for our loved ones. We go out on weekends to try and have sex while trying not to get punched in the face. We drink so we can be ourselves and not mind it so much. We’re desperate to be understood. We want to know someone else has felt it, too. We hate being judged unfairly. We want to make the person we heard wasn’t all that into us change their minds and admit they had us wrong. We want sunny skies with a chance of killer tornadoes, just to keep music sounding good. We take hours upon hours to admit to self consciousness. We don’t know exactly how to pleasure each other. We just want love. In any and every form.

See? It’s simple. :)

But it isn't so simple, because again, what is love? And why do we seek it? And is it true that we are "binary creatures"? And where did death and music come from? And if John Mayer, the author of all of these conjectures, hasn't found the "love" we all want, then what if he is simply looking in all the wrong places?

i firmly believe there is Truth and that there are answers to these questions, and i think that much of that Truth can be found in what Paul had to say to a group of people who had a lot of unanswered questions themselves:

"The God who made the world and everything in it is the Lord of heaven and earth and does not live in temples built by hands. And He is not served by human hands, as if He needed anything, because He Himself gives all men life and breath and everything else. From one man He made every nation of men, that they should inhabit the whole earth; and He determined the times set for them and the exact places where they should live. God did this so that men would seek Him and perhaps reach out for Him and find Him, though He is not far from each one of us. 'For in Him we live and move and have our being.' As some of your own poets have said, 'We are His offspring.'

"Therefore since we are God's offspring, we should not think that the divine being is like gold or silver or stone—an image made by man's design and skill. In the past God overlooked such ignorance, but now He commands all people everywhere to repent. For he has set a day when He will judge the world with justice by the Man He has appointed. He has given proof of this to all men by raising Him from the dead."

Acts 17:24-31

Koninklijke Nederlandse Voetbalbond

The Dutch look quite spic and span in their World Cup efforts. That is all i have to say.

"my patronus"

the poet grasps the sieve,
through vapor does he weave,
hoping for Truth
to cleave

and taken by light,
yes, God is there in the night,
a muse of Hope.
he writes:

poured out,
and filled;
healed,
and broken;
blinded by the Grace that i see;

i may chase the night;
but swifter is the flight
of the Love that chases after me.





i finished Harry Potter. And yes, a "patronus" is a reference to that series, but you might be interested to know that it actually is much older than Harry Potter, and originated in ancient Rome. i refuse to explain it here, because i believe there is some value in looking up information for yourself.

Why would anyone go to college to receive an education?

The following is an Associate Press piece i saw on ESPN.com that concerns the NCAA and its incredible hypocrisy. Something needs to be done.

A panel of college sports reformers wants to limit participation in NCAA championships to schools where at least 50 percent of the team's athletes are on track to graduate.

The Knight Commission on Intercollegiate Athletics says runaway spending in college sports and a lack of attention to classroom performance "threaten(s) the very integrity of higher education."

A report released Thursday in Washington calls for a range of financial and academic reforms. The tougher graduation goals repeat a recommendation made by the group nearly a decade ago.

The Knight panel also wants NCAA schools to publicly share more of their financial data on athletics spending while setting aside at least 20 percent of the money received from TV contracts and postseason football appearances for academic use.


Copyright 2010 by The Associated Press

set free, for freedom. why bondage seek?

i think that an update is due in regard to my summer reading list: i am roughly 18% done with the seventh and final Harry Potter book. Stellar books, they are.

In other, bigger news, a gorilla was very nearly successful in his attempt to escape from the North Carolina zoo. Now, i have seen that same gorilla a number of times throughout my years in this great state (i mean to say not that i've seen him wandering about, but rather that i have visited his unnatural habit on several occasions), and i must say that i felt quite proud of Gordy. i don't know if that's his name, but it seems fitting to me as i write this. In all seriousness though, who could really be upset or angry with Gordy over his desire to get out? i think any animal would have done the same thing if the opportunity presented itself. If you get a chance to look at the video of his attempt, i would encourage you to do so, for it seems that for a moment he could have just hoisted himself over the barrier and entered into a whole new world. Not Aladdin, just a figure of speech. i should like to give you my thoughts as to what his thoughts were at that pivotal moment:

"Okay, so i've come this far--what, with carrying that stupid log over here and propping it up against the wall, then climbing that precarious thing--and yeah, i could just pull myself over, but that baby in the stroller doesn't look a whole lot better than i did when i was a little tyke, so i see no real benefits in the beauty department. And i just don't know if i could stand being stared at all the time. i really have no idea how humans function, because it seems to me all they know how to do is stare. And Darwin's idea of 'fit' must have been incredibly different than mine, because they are, as a rule, fat. And this business of botching up an ocean with oil holds no comfort. No, i think i will stay here, for here at least i am guaranteed a square meal a day, and here i have no predators. And above all, i have a feeling that i would cease to be such an attraction after a few days in their world, for they are always wanting something they can control and only benefit from without giving to. Yes, the zoo is where i belong."

Inevitably some will tell me that gorillas lack the cognitive ability to think such things. Listen carefully: i. know.

The point is that we as humans, although loved by God above everything else He created, still stand to learn some valuable lessons from the animal kingdom. Of course i don't know what was happening inside that Gorilla, but it seems to me as if there was a choice to be made between the "free world" and his prison of a habitat, and he didn't chose "freedom." Maybe i'm just weird. i mean, i am weird. But that's what i thought when i saw Gordy.






and on a completely unrelated and yet merited note, i have got to say that the woman in the picture above makes me a much better man than i would otherwise be. She is quite literally a Godsend.

gol

The World Cup decreases global productivity. i'm pretty sure that means it's the most important event in sports. But i could be wrong. But i'm not.

http://money.cnn.com/video/fortune/2010/06/11/f_sl_world_cup_business.fortune

after all these hands have wrought, He forgives.

The simplicity of today being all we have, combined with the peace in knowing that God has a plan for our future and forgiveness for our past, is astounding. The crux of living the life of servants who are training to reign someday lies, i think, in the intersection of those three dimensions. To realize the depths of despair from which we have been rescued; to be all here now, genuinely seeking to give up self for the leading of the Spirit within; and to live in an expectant hope that God's Big Picture is exceedingly and perfectly beyond what we could ask or imagine.

inexplicable.

Isn't it something to think that billions upon billions of people have lived on this relatively small planet and realize that you are absolutely and undeniably unique? i mean, really, that is crazy, because what that means is that you and i as individuals have opportunities to change this world in a way that no one else has before, and no one ever will in the future. And i'm not talking about being that person who invents the replacement for gasoline, so we don't have to rely on things such as oil that like to spill and ruin huge swaths of ocean; and i'm not talking about being that person who is able to unite political parties and enact real change in our society with your astounding diplomacy; and i certainly am not referring to that person who can eat more calories than you use and still lose weight. No, i'm simply speaking of being you.

There is a reason why God is in the business of creating us as perfectly different people, just as there is a reason why God has done everything. The fact that He would extend His marvelous grace to every one is a testimony to the fact He loves each of us dearly and individually. He loves us not for who we compare ourselves to, and not for who we wish we could be, and not for who we wish we wouldn't be, but for who we are. Make no mistake about it, we don't deserve a single bit of His love. There is nothing that any of us have done that would merit God's mercy and grace on our behalf. And there never will be anything we could do to deserve it. But in that is the very greatest paradox that has ever existed and which will stretch on into eternity.

shadows of noontime.

i got stung by a wasp yesterday while i was hanging drywall.



i feel like i have nothing worthwhile to say, and i usually just don't post anything if i'm experiencing such dilemmas, but as a mentor of mine likes to tell me, "The difference between writers and non-writers is that writers write."

It has been raining like crazzzyy, so my dog and i have not had the opportunity of enjoying a walk together in a while. She is a very smart dog, and every time i put workout clothes on, she thinks we're going on a walk, because i've been telling her that we would. Yes, i talk to and for my pets a great deal, and if you are one of those people that has a problem with that, then i'm sorry. Except, i'm not really sorry. *NEWS FLASH* i think animals will talk in the Kingdom, so why not start practicing???

i like to cook because it's fun.

"Two things I ask of You;
deny them not to me before i die:
Remove far from me falsehood and lying;
give me neither poverty or riches;
feed me with the food that is needful for me,
lest i be full and deny You
and say, 'Who is the Lord?'
or lest i be poor and steal
and profane the name of my God."

Proverbs 30:7-9

"There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear."

So, today i turned in my application to Chic-fila. Haven't heard back from Starbucks or Harris Teeter yet.

You know the ladies in Chic-fila? The oldish ones who refill your drinks and don't expect tips and are always nice and smiling? i like them. They embody what service is all about, if you asked me. "Oh, but I didn't ask you," you say. Just pretend.

Here's the thing. What if we as Christians really were people who lived life without a constantly self-centered focus? What if we walked into a restaurant and instead of being as belligerent as we possibly could toward the waiter or waitress--you know, because it's their job to get our order right--we tried to make their job as easy as we possibly could, and gave a good tip regardless of the job they did? What if we didn't view relationships in light of what the other person was bringing to the table, what they could do for us, how they could make us feel, and instead approached the person with a sincere desire to know how we could serve them? What if we stopped talking so much about love and just did love?

Somewhere along the way, i think the Christian life for a lot of Americans has become a sort of cat and mouse game with ourselves. We can think almost constantly about how we relate to God and how much God loves us and how we can become more spiritual and we have a false humility about our failures such that we keep on and on about them and how God has rescued us from them and introspection and soul-searching are constant musts and how do i look when i sing songs and when is it right to say something during prayer and why is it that she doesn't say the things i say and i'm not hypocritical, just free in Christ....

Do you see what can happen? Before we know it, we have stopped thinking so much about God's grace and started looking at our spirituality as if it were some sort of beauty contest. If we do happen to serve, it's only so we earn more points in the swimsuit competition, you know, the part everyone sees. To be sure, we must all have the willingness to grow personally and to deal with sin and to strive for intimacy with Jesus, but God talks so much more about doing unto others than He does about thinking of our own spiritual appearance.

The model of service Jesus gave us is as follows: He washed the filthy feet of Judas just before his even dirtier lips betrayed Him for thirty pieces of silver.

endless and temporary.

In an attempt to make the most of my time, and in order to free myself from what i realize is (or was) probably an addiction to being socially aware, i am no longer a part of the facebook world. For now, this is only a summer hiatus, but i wouldn't be surprised if i become more permanently detached from Mark Zuckerberg's brain child. So, if you read this blog and are a part of the facebook community, it would be pretty neat if you could still spread the news of my latest blogs. i fully intend on writing more in my absence from that realm.

i was at the Outer Banks last week, and had the following to write in my journal:

When the waves crash, why do they never crash the same? Why is it that each grain of dampened but drying sand, giving water back to the recession, is never flooded again just as before? And as water runs quickly up the beach, its white foam diligently seeking my bare feet, why do some waves overtake me while others die just shy?

These are not mundane questions, for their answers are wrapped up in the beauty of God. And yet i see my mind is dissatisfied without at least mulling over the "reasons" and the "science." But that is why only a penultimate, fleeting thought; simply a fluttering doubt before it is overtaken by a rising wind of God's ultimate power. His final putting to rest of mysteries and not-so-mundane questions.

For you and i, each passing moment is as the occasionally lazy, sometimes frightening, and always individual waves that meet their death on the shore. We may walk along these sands of daily living--eying the chasing foam, wandering here or there, with no aim for the future, and without regard to the footsteps in our wake--finding that we arrive to a destination. It surprises us in its finality and terrorizes us with its uselessness, but what else could we expect? We have only looked at our feet.

a story of Pip.

The other day, i was determined to get rid of my farmer's tan, and I also wanted to get a little bit burnt (but only a little), because usually that keeps me from getting too burnt the rest of the summer. However, even the best, most well-laid plans go awry, and i ended up getting absolutely toasted. But just neck to waist-line on my front side as well as my shoulders. So it's stays hidden to the unaware and innocent bystander, all the while with pain happening underneath my soft Gap v-neck. i only mention the t-shirt because i have a few of those particular products from the Gap ("cause i'm the Gap, like Banana Republic and Old Navy"), and the reason i have them is because they are the softest things i've ever felt and because such softness helps to alleviate the discomfort of my skin being a color which God did no bestow upon me at birth.

i applied for a job at Starbucks. i love coffee, and i love Starbucks, so maybe i'll work there. The reason i hope to work there or to get a job waiting tables or some other such non-accounting job is pretty interesting and hugely educational to me in the way of the education you receive outside a classroom and which has basically nothing to do with anything in the realm of school. i had great expectations--and for those of you who have read that book, you will know even more astutely what i'm talking about--in regards to a job in Richmond, Virginia. Everything about this job, including the part about me finding out about it completely "randomly," seemed to point to the fact that it was the coolest opportunity ever, and that it was God's will. And all of it, as i am finding out now, was in fact God's will, just not the part about me actually going to Richmond and working. Here's the thing, God does stuff to teach us. He is intimately aware of the deepest parts of our lives that need changing, and only He can change them. But sometimes the change is weird and unexpected and something we don't see as good. i was really pissed off that this didn't work out. i was angry that i now had nowhere to work that was "cool" for my resume, and i was angry because that meant there would be something on my resume that would hurt my stupid, stupid pride. i was scared because i had no idea what was going to happen and i hate not knowing, as has been the discussion topic of several of my posts. And i was confused, because it had all seemed, as we cliche-holic Christians say, like a "God-thing." It was. i just had to realize that a "my-thing" and a "God-thing" aren't necessarily the same.

"For my thoughts are not your thoughts,
neither are your ways my ways,"
declares the LORD.

"As the heavens are higher than the earth,
so are my ways higher than your ways
and my thoughts than your thoughts."

Isaiah 55:8,9

i have realized over the past couple of weeks that my arrogance in this case went so far as to assume things about God's will that i had no business assuming. i took for granted some things foolishly. i celebrated the last 10 meters of the proverbial race and got passed. And when it didn't work out like i was so dead-sure it would, that all led to me becoming moody toward my girlfriend; it led to me being angry; it led to me worrying way too much; and in short, it kept my eyes off of God and His proven character, and on me and how i was going to have to fix things. This was not okay. It was sin.

Like a recovering alcoholic, i am a recovering addict to being in first-place, of winning and believing i was solely responsible for victory. Pride, in the general sense, is the root of all sin, for it was the original sin. But there are those of us whom pride affects on an additional, more specific level such that it is extremely difficult to accept losing of any type. It is from that that i continue a long journey towards healing through the God of the universe that humbled Himself to death, even death on a cross.

For you and i.

pursue Truth.

i should like to write now of expectations, for the summer is nearly upon me in all its humidity and opportunity.

i wish to read. Among my list: Harry Potter (haven't read any of them); Les Mis (can never read too many times); and Outliers (by Malcom Gladwell). There are many more, but this blog has never been exhaustive in its efforts to disseminate information, so i see no need to begin now.

i wish to wait on people at tables in a restaurant, and get paid for my services. There is a long story behind why i hope to do this and not do what i had planned on doing this summer in Richmond. More on that in a week or so. [hopefully]

i wish to play with my dog on a regular basis. i wish also to take her on walks most mornings.

i wish and desire to wake up each morning and make the decision to love ardently and passionately. To love co-workers and treat them with a respect foreign to our culture. To love my parents with a thankfulness that does more to reflect the immeasurable impact they have had in and on my life. To love my sisters as a brother who seeks first to protect and care rather than deride and annoy. To love the woman God has put into my life with humility and grace. To love God. To really love God.

These are but a smattering of my expectations, for i am expecting much. i am expecting this summer to be the most prolific time of my life to date as a writer, and so i look forward to sharing with you--in what is to this blog perhaps a new format--what the summer holds. i am not aware of your expectations as a reader, but i ask that you expect great things. i ask that you expect difficult things. i ask you to expect that those two are often very closely related.

"dimly"

the looking glass was there
and it spoke of many things
i did not listen
for what i found ill in others
was yelling back at me
from myself

oh, the honest looking glass
and difficult.

act of will.

"Think of the impact if the first thing radical feminists thought of when the conversation turned to evangelical men was that they had the best reputation for keeping their marriage vows and serving their wives in the costly fashion of Jesus at the cross."

- Ron Sider

"No, not vainly there did I dwell, Nor vainly listen all the night long."

i find myself interested in the different types of blog hosts available to the would-be blogger. i also find myself trying to figure out the various processes that occur within that drive bloggers to blogspot as opposed to tumblr, or tumblr as opposed to wordpress, etc. Personally, i like tumblr, but it is way too busy for my diarrhea of the mouth (pen, actually. or in this case, keys). i dislike wordpress because of its name. Yes, that is silly. Mostly, i just chose blogspot because Google is best. And because you need not ask its purpose since its name is self-explanatory.

i don't understand at all more than half the things that go on in my mind, and i understand the rest of the things that go on in my mind less than half as much as i'd like.

i wish sometimes, and perhaps most times when i'm submitting my random thoughts to this blog, that i knew what you, the reader, think when you read what i have to write. i like very much to think, but i can pretty safely say, or at least with moderate safety, that to cause others to think is ever so much more intrinsically fulfilling. To me.

Now, let's say you are the type of person who only reads this blog when the posts don't require you to scroll down. You probably won't get this far. And that saddens me, because only those willing to scroll down will see that i wish so very much that you would take the time to read even the boring, longish posts. In reality they aren't too terribly long. Perhaps someone who scrolls down is a friend of yours and they will pass along this message from me.

For those of you who read at least with some care the majority of the things i post, a great deal of gratitude is always extended toward you. But i must entreat you to not just read this. i must entreat you to not just read this. As with anything you read, you must always look for truth. Truth can be found in very deceitful places. Truth can be found amongst liars and thieves. Truth can be found in darkness. Truth can be found anywhere, really. If someone says "There is no truth," they have given you a clue that to deny Truth is to create your own version of it, a version which is always striving to get back to the Truth, but refusing to come to grips with the fact that It must have originated before there was origin.

Here is a Truth that has changed the whole world forever. It is a Truth that flourishes during persecution of those who believe it, and it is a Truth that exists whether or not you believe it. It is this: Jesus died for the sin of humanity, but He is not dead anymore. He is not dead anymore. This is not religion, for religion is simply man's attempt to explain the unexplainable, or to describe the indescribable. No, this Truth is an event in history. Christianity was not built on the teachings of Jesus or on His perfection or on anything else but that event: The Resurrection. We as Christians don't place our faith in religion or doctrine or rituals or moralistic living; we place our faith in a Man who did, in history, what no one else could have done or will ever be able to do. He died and then He defeated death. That is profound and beyond explanation, but it is Truth.

...

"Some people confuse life with God."

This is a problem. Let me clarify:

Often we look at our circumstances, the little story-lines and events that surround us throughout each day of our lives, and we mistake those bytes of reality for God and His character. The reason this is a huge problem is because circumstances are always changing and swinging back and forth like some proverbial metronome. God is constant and forever. Forever in the past, forever in the present, forever in the future. To confuse Him for the life we live and draw some crooked parallel is a huge danger, and it is why we so often have such an extremely skewed idea of who God actually is. Because God is "I Am," He doesn't look at our lives in such a "here and now" fashion. He sees how this present reality, for us, fits in with the whole story. And He is moving even when we can't see Him or feel Him or understand Him. Even when it seems like our present circumstances are proving that He isn't full of Love and Grace and Justice, and even when it seems like He is more of a distant godfather rather than God who is the Father to the orphans, even now, He is so much more than we can imagine.

In Him all things hold together.

Torn from top to bottom, was the veil. Surely, He was innocent.

Wherever you are, be all there.

Jim Elliot.

It's been several years now, since my mother read that quote somewhere. It provided a sort of paradigm shift for her. My parents are relatively quiet about what they are experiencing spiritually and emotionally, yet i can distinctly remember her communicating how much of an impact those words had on her life. So much so that she asked me to make them the banner on her cell phone.

At any rate, although i certainly grasped the significance of "being all there" on a somewhat vague level, it only really impacted me the way a postcard would. Aware, yet completely oblivious to the depth behind a 3 x 5. i tend to be a daydreamer and somewhat irrational about my hopes for the future, but there's only so much damage that can do when you're 15. i'm beginning now to see why being all there was, and is, so important to my mom.

It really is a tension, is it not? To be a responsible adult in that we want to prepare for the future, and yet to live in the realization that today we have today, and that is it. i was talking to my best friend today about that line, that very fine line, and it hit me quite vividly that i often risk missing out on today because i want the tomorrows to be just how i plan for them to be. This day. Right now. It is the day that Jesus has made. Find joy in that. Find real, deep, life-giving joy in the fact that Jesus made today all that it is, and He offers something new today that tomorrow will have left behind.

Be all there.

cast me not away.

this. life. is. temporary.

forever is not temporary

it follows, then, that wasting the forever for the temporary is quite possibly the worst, most devastatingly tragic mistake anyone could ever make, and yet how many do?

it also follows that since so many waste the forever for the temporary, the best thing to do is "waste" the temporary for the forever.

How will you "waste" today?

get over the sun.

i would first like to say that i have a great number of doubts about the passage of the recent healthcare bill, the greatest of which is in regards to it actually fixing anything.

The reason that's the first thing i said was not because it's the first thing on my mind. i simply said it first to implicate myself of that which i am very shortly going to blitzkrieg. i am implicated because i would be lying if i said i had not been involved in at least two bitter conversations this week involving this specific matter (and many more involving the current administration, especially shortly after President Obama's inauguration) where absolutely nothing constructive was discussed or even thought about, really. Only an intense dislike, both verbally and mentally, of those in power in Washington, the center of "this great nation."

Onward. To "Conservative Christians." i am beyond appalled, and have approached disgust and anger, at the reaction you have given against not only this most recent bill, but against President Obama and his administration. It is legitimate hatred that many have given the President. The very same hatred given to President Bush during his term, over which you all weeped and wailed and gnashed your teeth.

Do i agree with President Obama's politics? Certainly not. Have i called my senator to voice any opinion besides the vote I cast in November, 2008? Certainly not, and as such is the case i find have no real grounds to complain about this recently passed bill. Have you called your senator? Can we complain about politicians not listening to us if there is nothing for them to hear?

Do you "Conservative Christians" agree with this healthcare bill?

It is EXTREMELY AND LOUDLY APPARENT THAT YOU DON'T. THE ECONOMY IS GOING TO FALL APART; OUR CHILDREN ARE GOING TO GROW UP IN A SOCIETY TOTALLY DEVOID OF SENSE AND MORALS; AND WE SHOULD MOVE TO NEW ZEALAND. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU TAKE THE TEN COMMANDMENTS OUT OF COURTHOUSES. HOMOSEXUALITY IS MUCH, MUCH WORSE THAN THE PORNOGRAPHY ON MY HP LAPTOP. IN FACT, IT IS MUCH WORSE THAN ANYTHING ELSE IN THE WORLD, AND THAT IS WHY I TREAT ANY NON-HETEROSEXUALS AS IF THEY ARE NOT REALLY HUMANS. I KEEP THE SABBATH HOLY AND THAT'S WHY I DO NOTHING BUT WATCH FOOTBALL WHILE MY WIFE COOKS AND CLEANS ON SUNDAY AFTERNOON. THE WAR IN IRAQ IS GOD'S WILL. YOU CAN'T NEGOTIATE WITH TERRORIST SONS OF BI...GUNS.

I LOVE JESUS.

really?



We--yes we, you and i, whether we are conservative or liberal or confused--we cannot continue in this manner. i am as guilty of the spewing of hatred as anyone else, but after being pointed to the following i don't see how myself or anyone who seeks to make Jesus' name famous can refuse to change the way we view those in leadership of our country.

"Everyone must submit himself to the governing authorities, for there is no authority except that which God has established. The authorities that exist have been established by God. Consequently, he who rebels against the authority is rebelling against what God has instituted, and those who do so will bring judgment on themselves. For rulers hold no terror for those who do right, but for those who do wrong. Do you want to be free from fear of the one in authority? Then do what is right and he will commend you. For he is God's servant to do you good. But if you do wrong, be afraid, for he does not bear the sword for nothing. He is God's servant, an agent of wrath to bring punishment on the wrongdoer. Therefore, it is necessary to submit to the authorities, not only because of possible punishment but also because of conscience. This is also why you pay taxes, for the authorities are God's servants, who give their full time to governing. Give everyone what you owe him: If you owe taxes, pay taxes; if revenue, then revenue; if respect, then respect; if honor, then honor."

Romans 13:1-7


i write this stuff because i've been charged, convicted and declared guilty--by my own actions--of that which i lament. i just want us to realize that what we have been in the habit of doing has built so many walls against the gospel that we now have this term, "Conservative Christian," which is the subject of much derision in our society. Much of the response we've received is the only response we could expect to be given to a grace-less group of people claiming to have been saved by Grace. Jesus was not a politician. He was not a conservative. He was not liberal. He was God. He is God. And here's the thing: He is in control. He is worthy of trust. He will take care of His sheep, even when it seems like the wolves outnumber the fold two to one. So be a responsible citizen. Vote and try to attain a clear conscience when you do. But think very, very carefully before you enter the political realm, for there is much harm that can be done there.

Jesus is King, and to His Kingdom there will be no end.

Desiderata

"Go placidly amid the noise and haste, and remember what peace there may be in silence."

Max Ehrmann

Goodness, me.

God is beyond
in every sense of that word
and in every sense.

In need i find,
whether his or hers, or mine
that He takes care
to care.

But still beyond.
For when He is not good
to me
He is still good.

See, i am small,
unaware,
and too scared to dare
that hard now
is Life later.

"Are you dumb because you know me not, Or dumb because you know?"

"We are treated as impostors, and yet are true;
as unknown, and yet well known;
as dying,
and behold,
we live;
as punished, and yet not killed;
as sorrowful, yet always rejoicing;
as poor, yet making many rich;
as having nothing, yet possessing everything."

2 Corinthians 6:8-10

poetry. not for the faint of heart, though some would have you believe that.

bears and birkenstocks.

Love.
Joy.
Peace.
Patience.
Kindness.
Goodness.
Faithfulness.
Gentleness.
Self-control.

Against such things there is no law.


There must be a way to live and breath and take part in this culture--or rather, this society of many different cultures--without imbibing in the general decadence which completely defies the above. It is no secret to myself that if we as a people would practice even half of those on the regular basis then the world would be a much better place. And yet the world is not a much better place, and even finds itself day by day becoming more painful.

That is why i am most afraid of myself. I am afraid of the part of me that can know the right answers to the questions that need answering most, and yet still willingly be a person who defies love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self control.

For the Christian, there is a constant battle between the self that existed from the womb in a state of sin and shame and the self God redeemed with the death of His only son Jesus. There are very real sides and real consequences for these battles that take place in front of computers, with headphones, in our minds, with our words, in the dark, around him, but not around her, and all in the sight of Jesus. The side which seeks instant gratification is very loud and hard to ignore. It is the side which was the only side until you allowed Jesus to make you new. It is the side which says that "I" am more important. "My" self is greater. Than anything. Than anyone. It says image is everything. It is the most professional and effective of makeups, because it works from the outside in, changing nothing of your character or disposition. It is the side which is threatened and jealous and angry and impure and unjust and unfair and exploitative and sexually corrupted and intellectually fooled and emotionally blinded and spiritually wasted, but which all the while feels legitimately good. To say it doesn't feel good would be to lie to yourself. It is precisely because it feels good that we so often succumb to it. And it is precisely because it feels good that it isn't enough.

Because we weren't made for something so simple and temporary as feeling good.

Love and Joy and Peace and the rest--the very characteristics and attributes of God Himself--they are the things that are indicative of the person who has found that thing beyond feeling good. That place where we all yearn to be when we find ourselves in the emptiness of a high that is now low. They are the traits and actions which naturally flow from the person who has realized that instant gratification becomes long-term pain and hurt. They are the desires of a person who finds that giving in to that which screams at us loudest ultimately drains us and does not fill. But most importantly, most integrally, Gentleness and Patience and Kindness and Goodness become descriptive of the person who realizes that they must sacrifice themselves in order to be given back a life which is beyond feeling good. It is beyond achievement and success. It is beyond the rational and logical.

We as Christians have life because of what Jesus did on the cross and in His resurrection. The Spirit of God actually lives inside of us. But He doesn't just take over and do His thing; we must decide to give Him control. That is the only way that His fruit will ever become evident in our lives. It is the only way that change and hope and meaning will invade us and the world around us. We must allow Him to guide our steps and direct our plans. He alone can positively impact the way we view others and how we see ourselves. And if we allow Him to fight for us, then our battles will always be won.

"Since, then, you have been raised with Christ, set your hearts on things above, where Christ is seated at the right hand of God. Set your minds on things above, not on earthly things. For you died, and your life is now hidden with Christ in God. When Christ, who is your life, appears, then you also will appear with him in glory.

Put to death, therefore, whatever belongs to your earthly nature: sexual immorality, impurity, lust, evil desires and greed, which is idolatry. Because of these, the wrath of God is coming. You used to walk in these ways, in the life you once lived. But now you must rid yourselves of all such things as these: anger, rage, malice, slander, and filthy language from your lips. Do not lie to each other, since you have taken off your old self with its practices and have put on the new self, which is being renewed in knowledge in the image of its Creator. Here there is no Greek or Jew, circumcised or uncircumcised, barbarian, Scythian, slave or free, but Christ is all, and is in all.

Therefore, as God's chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity.

Let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, since as members of one body you were called to peace. And be thankful. Let the word of Christ dwell in you richly as you teach and admonish one another with all wisdom, and as you sing psalms, hymns and spiritual songs with gratitude in your hearts to God. And whatever you do, whether in word or deed, do it all in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through him."

Colossians 3:1-17

i must go on boasting in my weaknesses

"If I may speak of my own experience, I find that to keep my eye simply on Christ, as my peace and my life, is by far the hardest part of my calling....It seems easier to deny self in a thousand instances of outward conduct, than in its ceaseless endeavors to act as a principle of righteousness and power."

-John Newton

i. Perhaps some of you wonder why i never capitalize my own personal pronoun. It is an attempt, albeit a somewhat feeble and perhaps simply metaphorical one, to remind you, and more importantly me, that in reality i am nothing without God above. i have a very real sickness that attempts daily and even hourly to supplant Jesus from His rightful place in my life. It attempts to act, like Newton put it, "as a principle of righteousness and power." Yet what power have i? What righteousness have i? Nothing to call my own except filth and putrescence. My birthplace, my family, my upbringing, my education, my abilities, my health, my friends--these are all realities in my life which i had and have no responsibility for bringing about.

i must decrease. He must increase. i must realize that this mighty God, this Savior of all, this Righteous and True King still has the whole world in His strong hands. Without Him, i am less than worthless. i am intrinsically negative to the people around me and the universe at large. Yet with Him...

"From the ashes a fire shall be woken,
A light from the shadows shall spring;
Renewed shall be blade that was broken,
The crownless again shall be king."

-Tolkien

"all for sinners' gain, Your life You gave."

It has been said that love is give and take. You win some, you lose some. Honestly, those types of cliche blanket statements about something as simple and easy as love sound so true. I mean, you do win sometimes and lose sometimes, right? Giving and taking is a legitimate by-product of love. Isn't it?

No. It isn't.

Winning is something you hope to do against an opponent. You strive for victory always, and never defeat. Yet Love, Love requires defeat. And why would you treat someone you love like they are an opponent?

And yes, Love is a lot of giving. But why is it okay to take? How is that true Love? Love asks and hopes and encourages, but taking is not part of the equation.

When Jesus came down to Earth for us, for all of us--the sick and broken and dirty and messed up, and those who think we are beautiful and put together and a gift to those around us. When He was born into a feeding trough for donkeys, when He walked the dusty roads of Galilee, when He trudged up the sharp, rocky hill of Golgotha with a cross on His devoured back, when He died on that cross for you and i, it was all give and no take. It was all losing and no winning. Why? Because of Love. He does not take our Love, for it must be given. He does not win our Love, for we must lose ourselves before we can find real Love to give. Yes, He asks and pleads and encourages and leads and directs. So much so that He defied death itself, so that we would have Someone, the only One, who could ever receive fully and know completely what tattered Love we have to offer. And embrace it. Not merely accept it, but to call us His very own children.

"Here is Love,
vast as the ocean!
Lovingkindness as the flood.
When the Prince of Life,
our Ransom,
shed for us His precious blood.

Who His Love will not remember?
Who could cease to sing His praise?
He will never be forgotten
throughout Heaven's eternal days."

"Love Enough"

i must sit down, to tell you
of the Love that i have found.
No, it found me,
hanging on that tree.

i must shout aloud, so listen,
to this Hope by which i'm found.
Yes, it is i who am saved,
see, empty is the grave.

we will run this race for the least of these.

Fight injustice. Help heal a broken people. Give to Haiti.

2.01.10

"stood on the edge, tied to the noose, oh you came along and you cut me loose."

It has occurred to me--not necessarily just now, but strongly just now--that where i and i'd wager you and most everyone else gets it wrong at times is in our pursuit and almost quenchless thirst for feelings that we have defined and expectations our fancies have created. One of the dangers of being emotional beings is that we have a tendency to ascribe to the fulfillment of those emotions a place of ending and closure when emotions are at their foundation caused by people and events and our interactions within and between the two. They are reactions to reality, if you will. And yet we can put so much of ourselves into those reactions that we end up forgetting why we feel them in the first place.

One of the saddest things i see in the world is the falling apart of relationships. Friendships. Brothers and Sisters. Marriages. People--when they see an end game of self-defined emotional well-being--are willing to give up even the people they love if those people are not providing the feelings they desire, or perhaps not providing them fast enough, or maybe too fast, or not often enough. The problem is that when you create this state of feeling in which you want to dwell, and when you place that state above the people you hope help bring you there, your whole plan (and my whole plan) will inevitably fail. And then we blame the failure on the people we love.

For some reason, we have come to view emotions in a very static nature. We tend to automatically assume that because what we feel now is not the same as what we felt yesterday or when we first met, or when we were on our honeymoon, or when we used to go to the pool everyday during the summer, or when we were all younger, that what we feel now is not as good. To put it really, really simply, feelings change. They are kinetic. They don't disappear or evaporate, but they are just edited by life happening, and by people growing up or dying or being born. You and i can feel those emotions and become depressed and despondent because they don't meet our expectations, but here's the thing, our expectations are always, always, always far below what God wants for us. So inferior. Maybe you don't feel like a fuzzy little bear when you're with your girlfriend now. Maybe it's not always fun. But dear God, is that enough reason to throw it away? You see, your feelings have changed, and if infatuation was your end goal, you'll be going through girlfriends and wives for the rest of your life. But infatuation is nothing at all compared to the Love that God designed for you. The Love that knows forgiveness; the Love that is patient and kind; the Love that is selfless and brave.

So what importance will you and i place on feelings and emotions? The foundational issue that decides the answer to that question is how you view what glances back at you in the mirror. For this sin and all other sin starts with you and i placing ourselves first. Before people; before God. If the way you feel is more important than people, then you are in effect saying you are more important than people. That is the reason relationships fail. Magic isn't needed to repair them, only stepping down from that gaudy little throne you made for yourself and remembering that God has been and will continue to be on His majestic throne for all eternity. And by remembering that He said to love others as yourself. If only you and i would decrease so very much so that we could actually see what God wants for us. Sometimes my selfish, emotional obesity clouds my vision, but even if i have blinded myself to the people i love and to Jesus who loved me first, they are still there. Most importantly He is always there, waiting to show me grace. To show us Grace.

we are alive in the Mystery.

God hurts for Haiti. He hurts for the people of that broken country more than all the hurt the entire human population could ever express. Do i know all the reasons why He allowed this catastrophe to happen? No, how could i? One thing i do know is that He is able to do exceedingly beyond all we could ask or imagine. The same Power that rescued my heart from darkness can surely rescue that nation from despair. And His Love still reigns, even in the midst of tragedy. He can turn a nation dedicated to darkness into a nation filled with that very Love.

During this whole time of me trying to reconcile the images i see of the earthquake and it's devastation of people God created with that very God, Isaiah 30 has been so pivotal in helping me grasp the perfect Love of God. Israel had turned away from God much in the same way Haiti has historically, and God had dealt with their sin. Yet He never once gave up on them. These verses offer an astounding picture of justice, of forgiveness, and of a Savior who has paid the ultimate price to offer both.

Therefore, this is what the Holy One of Israel says:
"Because you have rejected this message,
relied on oppression
and depended on deceit,

this sin will become for you
like a high wall, cracked and bulging,
that collapses suddenly, in an instant.

It will break in pieces like pottery,
shattered so mercilessly
that among its pieces not a fragment will be found
for taking coals from a hearth
or scooping water out of a cistern."

This is what the Sovereign LORD, the Holy One of Israel, says:
"In repentance and rest is your salvation,
in quietness and trust is your strength,
but you would have none of it.

You said, 'No, we will flee on horses.'
Therefore you will flee!
You said, 'We will ride off on swift horses.'
Therefore your pursuers will be swift!

A thousand will flee
at the threat of one;
at the threat of five
you will all flee away,
till you are left
like a flagstaff on a mountaintop,
like a banner on a hill."

Yet the LORD longs to be gracious to you;
he rises to show you compassion.
For the LORD is a God of justice.
Blessed are all who wait for him!

O people of Zion, who live in Jerusalem, you will weep no more. How gracious he will be when you cry for help! As soon as he hears, he will answer you. Although the Lord gives you the bread of adversity and the water of affliction, your teachers will be hidden no more; with your own eyes you will see them. Whether you turn to the right or to the left, your ears will hear a voice behind you, saying, "This is the way; walk in it." Then you will defile your idols overlaid with silver and your images covered with gold; you will throw them away like a menstrual cloth and say to them, "Away with you!"

He will also send you rain for the seed you sow in the ground, and the food that comes from the land will be rich and plentiful. In that day your cattle will graze in broad meadows. The oxen and donkeys that work the soil will eat fodder and mash, spread out with fork and shovel. In the day of great slaughter, when the towers fall, streams of water will flow on every high mountain and every lofty hill. The moon will shine like the sun, and the sunlight will be seven times brighter, like the light of seven full days, when the LORD binds up the bruises of his people and heals the wounds he inflicted.

Isaiah 30:12-26

"the leprosy of unreality"

For some reason, one that is completely unknown to me, i have a tendency to recall--from a bank of about five or ten--short, unrelated passages from an assortment of unrelated books that i've read in my lifetime, and i recall them quite often. If you are the type of person that has recurring dreams, i think this is somewhat similar, because although i recall these words quite often, i have not been able to establish any connection with events or thought patterns that tip me off as to when i'll think of them again. It's not like favorite quotes that you would put on your facebook profile, because i have those, and they are different than these. Again, the closest comparison i can at the moment think of is that between these "quotes", if you will, and a dream which occurs throughout your life, but for which you have no real explanation or even ability to describe. They are similar in that they occur at seemingly random times, and, more expressively, they seem to me to be pictorial rather than paragraphical. In other words, it's as if i randomly see words on a page for which i retain a memory of reading and which carry with them a definite meaning, but i cannot always know the "quote" verbatim as it existed from the author's pen and as i read it originally.

This is all very confusing and annoying and boring to you, i know, but i'm getting somewhere. All of that (the previous paragraph) to say that there is one of those "quotes" which comes up most often and which has been the cause of the most thought, by far. i read this book, if my mind serves me correctly, in the seventh grade, and when i came across this quote i was struck very vividly by it, and continued to be for sometime. And by this i mean that it was something i struggled with intellectually as an idea with which i wasn't quite sure i agreed. But when the book was over, (this book being A Separate Peace, by John Knowles), i forgot, or forced myself to forget, this idea, and quote, altogether. But, like a recurring dream, it has never failed to visit me at random times since the seventh grade, and since it did so again this evening, i wanted to share it with you. It still causes me to think, and although i'm not quite certain about the superlative or dogmatic nature of its message, i will say that i've come to believe there is at least a certain amount of truth in it. i now give it to you as food for thought, albeit an out-of-context thought if you haven't read the book, yet thought still beneficial as i see it:

"It was only long after that I recognized sarcasm as the protest of people who are weak."