re-gifting Charles Dickens.

This being Christmas break, and thus this being the time of year when i have the most time to post things under the pseudonym "thewelfareblogger", many of you (although that may only be three of you) could possibly be wondering why in the world nothing has been posted by me of late. Granted, i just assumed many things, not the least of which is the assumption that anyone has actually noticed i haven't posted anything.

The fact remains that i have actually been writing a great deal, just not on this blog. i have done quite a lot of writing for individuals, which i enjoy more than any other type of writing. Since this blog is never really for an individual, it has, to a certain extent, taken the back seat so far over this period of time of having time. This is not to say i haven't thought about many things which i would like to say to "the public in general", which includes you, dear reader, because i have thought a great deal about you. i have thought very much about the subject of gift-giving. i have also devoted much time to thinking about family. i have pondered friends and their respective dynamic relationships. i've thought of football and basketball, but mostly basketball. It's actually because i've been thinking so much that i haven't posted anything. i simply have no idea where to start, and i'm afraid i still don't have an idea, although i had hoped that by this time some clarification would have arisen. i do, however, have an excerpt that i'd like to share from a book i'm reading by Charles Dickens which goes by the name Great Expectations.

"Pip, dear old chap, life is made of ever so many partings welded together, as i may say, and one man's a blacksmith, and one's a whitesmith, and one's a goldsmith, and one's a coppersmith. Divisions among such must come, and must be met as they come. If there's been any fault at all today, it's mine. You and me is not two figures to be together in London; nor yet anywheres else but what is private, and beknown, and understood among friends. It ain't that I'm proud, but that I want to be right, as you shall never see me no more in these clothes. I'm wrong in these clothes. I'm wrong out of the forge, the kitchen, or off the marshes. You won't find half so much fault in me if you think of me in my forge dress, with my hammer in my hand, or even my pipe. You won't find half so much fault in me if, supposing as you should ever wish to see me, you come and put your head in at the forge window and see Joe the blacksmith, there, at the old anvil, in the old burnt apron, sticking to the old work. I'm awful dull, but I hope I've beat out something nigh the rights of this at last. And so God bless you, dear old Pip, old chap. God bless you!"

If you haven't read the book, that may make no sense to you, but i daresay that even without having read it, you might just see a great statement about friendship and family and relationships and alot of things i've been thinking about. See, although i don't know where to start as far as saying original things, i will at least let Mr. Dickens do some communicating for me.

"You were sold for nothing, and you will be redeemed without money."

All i have is one suggestion. Just think for a couple minutes at least on this phrase: "God loves you." It's a phrase that has all but lost it's meaning in our culture to a certain extent, because the overwhelming majority of people who say it on the regular basis give no real-life indication that God loves anyone but themselves.

But it really is one of the most profound statements that anyone has ever made. People (a group into which i fall) struggle with why God loves them, or when God loves them, or if God even loves them at all. Or is God even real?

i personally believe God is very real. i believe He created everything which we call reality, and thus is in ways i don't fully understand more than real. Maybe you don't believe that. Me telling you you're wrong in this blog isn't going to change that. Maybe you'd like even less to do with any sort of Higher Being if i did that. It is, after all, what religious people have done for centuries to no avail. Told others they're wrong. But i'm getting off track. Whether or not you believe in God, please just humor me for a second. When you contemplate what it means that God, the ultimate reality inventor, loves me and you personally, passionately, and actually, then does it not make sense that that fact should utterly challenge and shape the way we live right now and five minutes from now and when i'm taking my exam on Monday? To think about and truly understand that God Himself would Love people in our absolute filth--doesn't that require a paradigm shift?

"the dying day, the dawning night, oh in my soul i'm twilight."

Poetry is simple,
Really
The silent music of the heart
Put to the key of letters and words

And so the dishonest poet
Is really no poet at all
Only a peddler of holes
Fake emotion



i wonder, is it possible to be a good poet in a language other than your "heart language?" Probably it is mostly up to the individual who is critiquing the poetry in the first place, but while i hesitate to make comment on something which i haven't given great lengths of thought, i would say that to me, at least, real poetry is and will always be impossible for me in any other language than English.

Have you ever thought about the difficulty of the balance we as humans must come to between the music of the heart and what turns out to be more of an arithmetic problem of the mind? It's as if we are constantly struggling between the worlds of engineers and poets simultaneously. And perhaps i'm creating a sort of generalization which is true only in my life, but i really do think it's something everyone must come to terms with at certain times. Listening only to the heart's music can have the potential of turning your life into nothing more than mistaking empty illusions for real Love and real Truth and a real God. But then living only inside a math problem which your mind creates pushes you into a life of cynicism and jadedness, of doubt and anger, where you always feel as if the world is simply a cold, white hospital room.

For some reason, the very same God who gave us the gifts of music and poetry and painting and the emotions behind those expressive behaviors also decided to create a universe that operates under strict, complex rules of math and physics and chemistry and the like. i have no explanation for it. But i don't think we need one. i think we Westerners try as hard as we can to eliminate mystery, but the mystery of God is something that no passing of time could ever debunk.

"Can you bind the beautiful Pleiades?
Can you loose the cords of Orion?

Can you bring forth the constellations in their seasons
or lead out the Bear with its cubs?

Do you know the laws of the heavens?
Can you set up God's dominion over the earth?

Can you raise your voice to the clouds
and cover yourself with a flood of water?

Do you send the lightning bolts on their way?
Do they report to you, 'Here we are'?

Who endowed the heart with wisdom
or gave understanding to the mind?

Who has the wisdom to count the clouds?
Who can tip over the water jars of the heavens
when the dust becomes hard
and the clods of earth stick together?"

~Job 38:31-38

Do you see it there? Do you see that the God who set entire galaxies in orbit also had the creativity to paint the very constellations we see each night? The same God who would have us build bridges would also have us sing in the shower. He is one in the same, and it matters not whether you think you are good at art or good at math. They all fit into this crazy life of ours in order to give it a depth which would not exist otherwise. And we don't have to know why that is, because the answer to all those questions God asked Job is "no." An emphatic one at that. Revel in that mystery.

vive

i'm the type of person who likes to be able to define things. If i come across a word which has a meaning i'm not aware of, then i look it up. i define historical events according to their dates. i define car trips in hours rather than miles. i define people based on the number of facebook friends they have.

But i am so unbelievably bad at defining emotions.

How often is it that we experience a new emotion? Certainly not often for me. But i did today, and i have no idea what to make of it. Mostly it's like a conglomeration of probably 163 emotions at the same time, but it's still new. i would go into more depth if i knew how, but i have no definitive explanations at this point. The overall emotion is positive, and that is all i can figure. It has to do with the past and the passing of time. It has to do with 20 years. It has to do with Love and how Jesus modeled that for me and you. It has to do with real Thankfulness. It has to do with the handing-off of the generational torch. It has to do with family and how nurture is, i believe, much stronger than nature. It contains strands of sadness, but there is a hope in it which shines through much stronger. It is filled with anticipation. The vibrancy of it is astounding. It is the feeling of all needs being met by a God who is concerned with my concerns. It is fearful but overwhelmed by a simple flood of peace...

There is no way to define that. There is no need.

"...in its time I will hasten it."

i think that the smaller the world is to you and i, the harder it is to have a big-picture view of what's actually happening.

Your thoughts probably just went something like this, if i had to guess: "Wow, there is no way you could have made a more obvious statement just then." Believe me, i realize that it seems really elementary and almost circular to say what i said, but give it a second chance. There's more depth there than you realize at first glance.

Think about it: we can access all kinds of news and stories and pictures and even live videos from all over the world in less than seconds. To you and me--Americans and Western Europeans and basically people with money and access to technology--to us the world is incredibly small. And the reason it's small is not because our knowledge of it is limited in scope. No, quite the opposite. The very reason the world has become so small is that our knowledge (at least, our potential for knowledge) of it is so immeasurably vast compared to what it has been since its creation or chance appearance or whatever you happen to believe. That's why what i said is actually extremely unintuitive. It would seem that to those of us with access to the world's unbelievable depth and complexities that we would have a more developed sense of big-picture ideologies and world-views. And yet i find that the opposite is overwhelmingly true. Not only is it true but it is starkly obvious to the "rest of the world." To those whose world is still quite large.

You see, we could get on CNN.com right now and see all kinds of atrocities being committed in Darfur and Tibet and all over the world. The reason we see those things is because we have financial and societal resources that those people affected do not have. And yet we largely do nothing. Not only do we do nothing for those hurting people, but because we are so "in touch" with the rest of the world, we completely forget that even in our own wealthy nation there are hurting and dying people in our very midst. And yet we largely do nothing.

And so it seems that we are a people persecuted not by weapons of physical pain and violence, but rather weapons of intellectual and emotional anesthesia. We have so much knowledge that we have forgotten what it means to have sympathy. Our brains are so full of junk that our hearts have atrophied into blood-pumping organs at best, and frozen stones at worst. We have tried to take Michelangelo's painting from the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel and place it on a note card in our wallets. The world is so accessible to us and yet we fail to realize that behind all of the stories of joy and sadness, victory and anguish, and peace and violence, there are still people there. Real human beings, just like you and me. Men and women and children created in the very image of God Himself.

That is the Big Picture, i think. The picture of God creating a people whom He loves more dearly than anything else in all the universe. The picture of Him as the King who is even now establishing a very real Kingdom. The picture of a grand invitation to join Him as He works in this broken, messed up, sin-filled world of ours. The picture that somehow welds together the colors of Grace and Truth, Love and Justice, Freedom and reigning servants. How can we see that picture and not feel a passion for the hurting people around us, and around the world? How can we continue to ignore the pain and suffering of those whom God loves just as dearly as He loves us?

"woe is me, for i am a man of unclean lips..."

In June of 2007, i gave a speech at my high school graduation on the pivotal role failure plays in our lives. i talked about failure being actually essential to real growth as a human being, despite the fact that everything we hear in pop culture says none of us will fail. We are, after all, winners. Each and everyone of us. Right?

Well the ironic thing about truth (and i firmly believe that i spoke truth that day) is that there are basically two ways to know It: You can know it intangibly (under which fall intellectually, spiritually, emotionally, etc.) and tangibly (practically). And you will at some point usually experience both. Well, at that time in my life 2 1/2 years ago, i was definitely aware of this truth about failure with all of my intellect. Even from observation of others' lives i could see and know that failure is 1) certain and, 2) opportunistic. People never stay the same after failure. They learn from it and move on a stronger person or they let it beat them down and thus become afraid of life, basically. All of that to say that i have--if not painfully, certainly keenly--been moving more and more into that practical knowledge of failure, and more importantly, the choices that present themselves when that happens.

The whole irony of the situation is that in some ways when you experience Truth in your life in very real ways, you are much less likely to stand up on a podium and just talk about it as if it were the easiest thing in the world. You become more reserved, more sensitive to the effects of Truth before you just go blurting it out. Blurting it out doesn't make Truth untrue, but it's like playing Beethoven's Ninth through iPod ear buds. You lose the real, unadulterated, even difficult depth of what's really happening. So what i'm saying is, i've been the guy who blurts out Truth. Probably even in this blog i've done that. It is what it is. i think to hear Beethoven's Ninth through ear buds is still better than not hearing it at all. However, for you, dear reader, for you i hope and pray that i somehow can provide Truth in that purest form. In God's form. That's a statement that fills me with fear. Not fear like the fear of a gun pointed at your face, but rather the fear of the sun. You love it and you crave it, and yet you are aware that it's power is beyond taming, beyond putting into a box.

The search for Truth is the search for Freedom. It is the noblest of all pursuits and yet none other is more dangerous. Maybe, just maybe, this blog can help you and i on our journey.

"The wrong shall fail, the Right prevail. With peace on earth, good-will to men."

i'm supposed to be sleeping. Really, i should. But then i realized it's been over a week since thewelfareblogger has posted anything. Referring to myself in the third person is unusual, but since "thewelfareblogger" is simply a pseudonym of epic proportions, i don't mind as much.

Hmm let's see, much has happened since the last time we rendezvoused. Good things and great things and exciting things. Some of those Things don't belong on this blog, however. Sorry. If you actually know me, ask me through other means of communication, and i'll expound. One exciting thing is that Call of Duty came out with a new video game. This, however, is a classic lesson in perspective and relativity, because it is actually very stupid to me, but to others there is excitement associated with the release of this latest time-wasting device. "Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former." That is something Einstein had to say. i like it because he came up with this idea of relativity (although in a much different, perhaps mutually exclusive, context) and also he alludes to this idea of stupidity, which fits what i was just saying in regards to Call of Duty. i am in no way insinuating that comparisons should be drawn between myself and Einstein, i am simply saying that i am not the only person with my opinions.

here's an idea:

GET OFF YOUR ASS AND TURN THE XBOX OFF.



i realize now that this post welcomes criticism for a couple of reasons:

1.) i used the word "ass" in all caps. (There is a talking ass in the Bible. You should read it sometime, it's full of amazing things like that.)

2.) Probably this has made many people of the male persuasion angry. (i do not care. Confront me about something i'm doing wrong. Iron sharpens Iron.)

3.) i think all lists should have at least three listed items. This allows me to still accurately use the word "couple" above and yet still hold true to my convictions about lists.



In order to keep myself from sound completely arrogant, please let me say that the above is written in the sarcastic tone that you find it in order to keep myself from sounding angry and loud, which would be my natural way of communicating how i feel about video games. Seriously, if you're going to waste time, at least waste it with real people?

"God is not dead, nor doth He sleep."

From my porch/balcony, i can see some of the sky line that is created by the mountains surrounding Boone. This porch area has become one of my favorite places in the world, and as i was out there just a short while ago reading and mind-wandering, one of the many things i began to wander around in my mind is that living in the mountains has done an amazing thing to my definition of beauty.

Although i hesitate to even try, i must really attempt to describe what i saw. It is a bright night, and as i had noticed earlier, the moon was an especially stellar white, the kind of white that takes you by surprise in its violent nature. It's one of those nights where the sky is not black, but actually this deep violet-blue shade which i think i wasn't aware of until i came up the mountain a few years ago. For all that, though, there was even more to be had for the patient admirer of God's art, and in the way of a picture of subtleties rather than explosive power. If you were to imagine this in your mind, and you let its eye drift down from the stars and the moon towards the mountain silhouette, you would swear that the sun would rise in the next two hours, because up from that dark silhouette was a haze of blue that you would only expect to shortly precede one of our famous sunrises. And yet, it was barely past midnight. It's as if the sun is just begging at the door to be let into another day, but it knows that even in its power it still has its boundaries.

i am a firm believer that the realest beauty contained in this broken world of ours is absolutely never immediately evident. The beauty of a Proverbs 31 woman or the beauty of a scene like i witnessed tonight or the beauty of a God who would die for sinners and then conquer death itself--all of these are filled to overflowing with beauty, and yet not a one can be recognized in its fullest sense without some change in perspective and a depth of searching which does not come naturally.

"i'll be doing my best, and i'll see you soon..."

October is over. Soon it will be Christmas. But for now, let us be content with November, for if it has anything resembling October within it, then it would be a shame to miss it.

Isn't it weird how you don't really notice change as it happens gradually? You notice change in the cousins you see every two or three years, or in your hometown which is now just your former hometown, but as you live within a part of society and among people, the change that is happening the whole time goes by largely unnoticed. But honestly the craziest thing is when you notice change in yourself. And that's the kind of change that doesn't necessarily have a single causation, but is simply (but probably not easily) a product of many little decisions we make from moment to moment.

i don't really have anything intelligent to say about that at the moment, but i find it very interesting to wonder if the little moments are really so much bigger than the "big" moments in determining the story we will one day tell. Living in those seemingly insignificant moments is something of an acquired artform, as far as i can tell. You come across it by simply observing the lives of those who do it well. Grandparents are usually professionals. Stay away from highschoolers and probably most college students for that matter.

i don't understand it, but i do know it. and that makes all the difference.

There is that one thing there
Inside somewhere
In the morning when i rise
Or when dreams of rapture cleanse my eyes

It tells me this and that
"you're really bad at this, and terrible at that"
And whatever it is inside?
You should know now that it is right

For i will fail, and who knows why?
But try as i may, i could never cease to try
There are small victories to be won,
Hope to be had, see the rising sun

So please understand
i am just a man
Merely a peasant,
Yet a son of the King.

"To pluck the mask from the face of the Pharisee, is not to lift an impious hand to the Crown of Thorns."

Because of the extreme nerd content of the previous post, i deemed it necessary to begin a completely new post in order to change subjects. Actually, i realized just now that all my posts are full of nerdy things. If you don't like that, i'm sorry. But you don't have to read it, after all. i mean, truly, the beauty of the self-publishing world is that i don't have an editor that has a different identity than myself. And so here you are, reading what flows mostly simultaneously from my heart and my head directly through these Dutch hands of mine and into cyberspace. i can think of few things that are cooler. Thank you for reading, dear reader.

Now, onward.

visit this link and make a shoebox:
https://www.samaritanspurse.org/index.php/OCC/Pack_A_Shoe_Box/

i'm going to keep posting that link, so don't think you're off the hook when you finish reading this post. Seriously, make a shoe box. Put some thought into it. Giving to someone in need is the essence of healing, the center of the Truth of Jesus, and the beginning of amazing change in our own lives. Basically the deal is if you're reading this, you're rich. Filthy rich. What that means is that you may have worked hard, or your parents may have worked hard, or whatever, but when the credits roll, the question still is, "What did you do with all that money?" Because you working doesn't mean you deserve to be rich. If the world followed that logic of fairness then it certainly wouldn't look the way it does today. Let me try and give you just a little perspective. The kids receiving these gifts most likely don't even have a conceptual grasp on what a gift actually is. Why? Because truth be told, they've probably been in positions where they've had to take things just to survive. And so a gift to them is not even something that crosses their radar. The amazing thing about Operation Christmas Child is that you get to be the giver of what could quite easily be a child's first gift, and even more, to provide in that shoe box perhaps the first presentation of the Truth of Jesus that they've ever encountered.

Think about it. Embrace problems and do what you can to fix them. "We have all eternity to celebrate our victories, but only one short hour before sunset in which to win them."



photo by jwil

"i'll build a bridge through the fire..."

So for those of us who would at times be tempted to call ourselves "writers," that is, for those of us who choose to write when there is no assignment; really, for those of us who just love to write; there often come times when the words of other "writers" bring us to a quick and violent realization that there are definitely people in this world who can do much, much more with words than we. In that vein, i am very, very careful to ever use the word "writer" when describing myself. Insert the word "aspiring" and perhaps we have a more accurate picture.

**nerd alert**

The Bronte sisters were geniuses. Absolute geniuses. i won't even try to give any biography here because their respective depths of character overwhelm the scope of this blog. But my younger sister brought the following passage to my attention and i must share it. Profound is not a decent enough word for it. This comes from the preface to the second edition of Charlotte Bronte's Jane Eyre. Keep in mind this is not the story, not any part of the real book, but merely the preface. In this passage, a mere portion of the preface, she says more than most of us will say in a lifetime. So read it, chew on it, read it again, and let it just sink in your mind a little.

"Having thus acknowledged what I owe those who have aided and approved me, I turn to another class; a small one, so far as I know, but not, therefore, to be overlooked. I mean the timorous or carping few who doubt the tendency of such books as "Jane Eyre:" in whose eyes whatever is unusual is wrong; whose ears detect in each protest against bigotry--that parent of crime--an insult to piety, that regent of God on earth. I would suggest to such doubters certain obvious distinctions; I would remind them of certain simple truths.

Conventionality is not morality. Self-righteousness is not religion. To attack the first is not to assail the last. To pluck the mask from the face of the Pharisee, is not to lift an impious hand to the Crown of Thorns.

These things and deeds are diametrically opposed: they are as distinct as is vice from virtue. Men too often confound them: they should not be confounded: appearance should not be mistaken for truth; narrow human doctrines, that only tend to elate and magnify a few, should not be substituted for the world-redeeming creed of Christ. There is--I repeat it--a difference; and it is a good, and not a bad action to mark broadly and clearly the line of separation between them.

The world may not like to see these ideas dissevered, for it has been accustomed to blend them; finding it convenient to make external show pass for sterling worth--to let white-washed walls vouch for clean shrines. It may hate him who dares to scrutinise and expose--to rase the gilding, and show base metal under it--to penetrate the sepulchre, and reveal charnel relics: but hate as it will, it is indebted to him.

Ahab did not like Micaiah, because he never prophesied good concerning him, but evil; probably he liked the sycophant son of Chenaannah better; yet might Ahab have escaped a bloody death, had he but stopped his ears to flattery, and opened them to faithful counsel."

everything i need.

What are you doing with your life? i don't mean where are you going or what are you going to be doing, but at this point in your life right now, what in the world are you doing with it? It's no easy question. It tends to kick me in the gut when i pose it to myself. The reason why i ask it is not to be the cause of guilt, but to be the hopeful impetus for some real thinking on your part, because if you are anything like me, you find that it is frighteningly easy to get to a point when you realize that life happens very quickly, regardless of whether you're making the best of it or not. Regardless of whether it has real meaning or not. But the kicker is not actually the question i posed, but really another statement that encompasses that question: Forget the past, and start living. Realize that new beginnings await the turn of every corner, the bend in every curve, the depths of every valley, and the peak of every mountain. Have a heart change.

Now, that paragraph may contain some truth, but the problem with it is that it's the same thing people have been saying for centuries, even millenia, and to no avail. It's the kind of thing that is extremely easy and intuitive to write, and maybe even to read, but in practice it is absolutely impossible.

Unless.

Unless you realize that it is impossible. Unless you realize that you cannot ever hope to accomplish heart change and real living. By yourself. Because when you and i come to a point when we realize the depths of our own futility, then the overwhelming knowledge that comes from that is our need. Our need for help.

Jesus said, "I came that they might have life, and have it to the full." That's the reason He came and accomplished what we cannot ever hope to accomplish! And that is also the single thing which separates Christianity, real Christ-centered Christianity, from everything. At the center of what Jesus said is nothing about what we do. In fact, the center of His message was the very fact that we can't. We can't be good on our own. We can't live life with meaning. We can't be righteous. That's why He took all of our sins upon Himself on the cross. At that point God looked at humanity, even in the depths of our sin, and saw Jesus as the fulfillment of His wrath. What we could never satisfy--namely, God's demands for holiness--Jesus completely satisfied.

"Listen to me, you stubborn of heart.,
you who are far from righteousness:
I bring near my righteousness; it is not far off,
and my salvation will not delay."
~Isaiah 46:12,13

i talk alot in this blog about the way we should love others and love God, but i've been struck recently about the other side of that equation. How do we receive God's immense love? So often we try to limit it and decide what we think we deserve from God. We look at our own faults and shortcomings and we have no idea how the God of the entire universe could love us. And yet He does.

So now, the question becomes, "Are you allowing God to give your life meaning?" He will. And meaning is what we all yearn for. We look for it everywhere, we find it temporarily in many things. But in our most honest moments we know that those things often leave us with an even deeper longing than we had to begin with. The craziest thing is that the longing we have for true meaning in our lives doesn't even compare to the passion God has for us to come to Him.

Wow.

all words are made up, so there really are no "made up" words.

i'm an accountant. i'm not professional yet, but i'm an accountant all the same. i've said it before, but i'll say it again: i really can't stand not knowing what the future holds for me. That relates to me actually liking accounting, because anyone who actually likes accounting also likes control, at least this has been my experience in my classes and among professionals. At any rate, trust is very hard, even when God is the object of it. It's really scary and unfamiliar and uncomfortable, but as i've realized the past two days, it's almost uncannily freeing. i mean, it's still scary and unfamiliar and at times uncomfortable, but freedom is always that way. When you are a slave to anything (like i often am to desire for control) you forget what freedom looks like, to such an extent that it can in some ways be more comfortable to remain in slavery. Look at the Israelites. They did nothing but complain even after having been rescued from 400 years of bondage in Egypt. Look at any revolution --American, French, etc.-- and you always see people who hold on to the old ways, no matter how backward they are, because they are afraid of new.

i just tend to be afraid of stepping outside of what i've come to know. And that's exactly what trust requires. For me, i always try to take control of a situation and do what i think i need to do to not mess things up. It's so backward, but i think that if i don't take care of the situation then no one else, not even God, will take care of it. Trust means i know that God is in ultimate control and that i need to be ready to just be obedient in the little things as they come along. It isn't complacency or cowardice so much as it is stepping back and realizing that i'm a lot worse at "taking care" of a situation than i think.

So that's a part of my life that i tend to get "stuck" in. Trying to do everything myself. It's so dumb, but it really is a struggle for me. If you know me, you're probably nodding your head as you read this post, because i know it's obvious. But maybe with little steps of trust and faith Someone will pull me out of the rut.



"Fear not, for I have redeemed you;
I have summoned you by name; you are mine.

When you pass through the waters,
I will be with you;
and when you pass through the rivers,
they will not sweep over you.
When you walk through the fire,
you will not be burned;
the flames will not set you ablaze.

For I am the LORD, your God,
the Holy One of Israel, your Savior"
~from Isaiah 43

How can i not trust that? i mean, He is going to take care of everything and it all will work out in His timing. There are hard times for sure, we all know that. There are times when life can just suck the wind from your lungs and fill you with fear and sadness and doubt, but in the end there is victory over all of that in the blood of Jesus. There is more than victory, there is life eternal and full in the knowledge of God loving you. Just trust Him.

"Why do you look for the Living among the dead?"

So this is just kinda a quick update to the last post basically. i had the opportunity to talk to a really cool guy today on King Street. He was just chillin outside ODB, playing his guitar and harmonica and after i just listened to him for awhile i started talking with him about music and how he learned to play guitar and harmonica at the same time, etc. So we talked off and on in between songs and it was really cool just to see such a genuine human being who had such a joy about him, even though it was evident that when it came to materialistic things he wasn't exactly well off.

Anyways, as conversation progressed, we talked about everything from Johnny Appleseed to Doc Watson and then to deeper things like the way we as humans treat other humans with such disdain sometimes. i mean, both of us could think of a time within the last few days when we had just realized how much we take for granted. He spoke of seeing a man a few days ago pushing his five-year-old son out of the restaurant, and just feeling a sense of deep sympathy while also realizing that he so often just takes the ability to walk for granted. He made a very intriguing comment tho, he said, "It's so hard not to put yourself and your own interests above other people." And it's sooo true. It's really easy to talk about putting others before yourself, but in practice it is far from easy. The coolest thing was that the conversation just getting deeper and deeper until it just naturally flowed into conversation about God and His relationship to the world we live in. He listened as i told him my thoughts on God and the way i see Him work in my life, and i don't necessarily think he agreed with what i said, but he at least respected what i believe.

All that to say that what Bald Guy said last night was so true. It's tiny living. It's just being available. You don't have to worry about when to say things as much as you just have to be ready to say them when it's natural. And when you have something like the Gift of God to talk about, it's really hard to go wrong with timing.

"did i get too close in the pouring rain?"

Waiting.

It's so hard for me to wait. i mean it's like unbearably difficult at times for me to know when. One of the issues that's so taxing is knowing that there are times when God really makes it known in your life what His timing is so you can walk in it, but there are other times when He gives us so much freedom. It's when i feel like He gives me that freedom that i don't know what in the world i'm doing. The thing is, i know i have to step out in faith as a man and do what i need to do, but i'm so afraid i'll ruin everything.

In case you hadn't noticed, i definitely don't have it all together.

So today, i saw a couple of the other Chancellor's scholars on campus and our little five minute conversation really made me nostalgic for that freshman year when we all lived together. We really had a blast. Time doesn't just fly. It basically travels at a speed approximately 1.58 times faster than light itself. Anyways, don't know if any of you guys read this thing, but i miss all that learning we did together and i love those little impromptu reunions we have from time to time. The picture in this blog is quite possibly one of my favorite all time moments (from our NYC trip) as someone dared me and JR to take off our shirts on top of the Empire State building. Naturally, we obliged.

"Now the dwelling of God is with men, and he will live with them. They will be his people, and God himself will be with them and be their God. He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away."

He who was seated on the throne said, "I am making everything new!"
~Revelation 21:3-5

i don't think i've ever forgiven somebody even 490 times.

First of all, i'd like to say that i hope my tendencies toward introspection are not confused for a somewhat joy-less or pessimistic or depressed outlook on the life i'm currently living. Yes, there are times when i'm confused and disturbed or even sad and angry, but i can honestly say that at the end of most days i realize that the final chapter has already been written and that God was won the victory over such things as confusion and bitterness. Notice that this is not every day, because like Peter, i deny my Savior at times.


Okay, so i love listening to a guy named Andy Stanley. He's the pastor of a church in the Atlanta area called Northpoint Community Church. If you get anything out of this blog post, please let one of those things be the following: find his podcast on itunes, and download the three sermon series entitled "Losing Your Religion." It's free. Now, if you're reading this and you don't believe in a God or a higher power or "intelligent design" or Buddha or praying five times a day or whatever, because you think religion is more harmful than beneficial, please don't ignore that you need to listen to those three sermons. If you can put up with me talking about God alot, then i'm positive you can put up with Andy. Essentially he goes ahead and says what people have been thinking for centuries, and that is that religion seems awfully ineffective. And weird. And dangerous. And stupid. That may offend you or make you uneasy. That means you should listen to what he has to say.

Now, to sort of mosey my way back to my "introduction," if you will. i admit readily, though probably not often enough, that i am what my older sister calls "emotive." What this means is a couple of things. Firstly, i am very passionate. i throw my whole being into activities (basketball, academic success, music) and ideas (OU football, UNC basketball, the Netherlands) and people (family, friendships, relationships that "friend" falls short of describing--brothers, romantic endeavors, etc.) and hopefully the God around which those other parts of my life must revolve. Secondly, i think so much about those things that i forget my face and body language show what's going on. This hits on more of the "emotive" idea. It's not just that something's "wrong" but usually more complex than that. While some people can brush things that happen quickly away, i analyze and reanalyze and maybe at times overanalyze. i like to use the word "confusion," because i think that it aptly describes my state of mind that prompts people to ask (because of cues my body language has given them) things like, "What's eating at you?" or "Did you have a rough day?" or "What happened?" Confusion is also a good word for what i think i can do to other people. By nature i am very introverted, but there are parts of me that at times just want to be a little crazy and weird and around people i know and love doing fun things. i think this confuses people because i seem to get my energy from being by myself sometimes and other times by being with people. i have seen this cause awkwardness on a number of occasions in which i meant no such outcome to happen.

Here's the thing: while i recognize that i am both confused and confusing at times, i cannot stress to you enough how very much i love life. i can sit here all day and write about God and how He does things that are crazy and incomprehensible and amazing and become a "banging gong," if you will (and i hope i'm not), and you may or may not think i'm sincere. But really, when it comes down to the very foundation of why i write and why i take time away from things like individual income taxation to write, it's because i so very much hope that the people God has put into my life that have blessed me beyond measure can somehow be blessed in return through what i have to say. You see, God isn't just a symbol of abstract theology to me. He isn't my "parents' religion." He isn't a republican or a democrat. He doesn't answer to superstition and no words can even describe Him fully. He is my Father. He has put purpose into a life that would be so bitter and angry and power-hungry all the time if He had not so graciously paid my ransom on a cross 2000 years ago. That's why i love life, because it is not my own. It is God's first and then it belongs to those i love. When i live that out, God gives me a joy that is not of the world in which we find ourselves.

So, in closing, i apologize sincerely for having a "down in the dumps" mentality at times. Whether or not i am at that moment angry or just pensive is hard to tell, i know, but please realize i'm working on it. i promise with all my heart that i have joy in my life. Promise.

bros

this picture is probably one of my favorite pictures of all time, if not my favorite. it sits by my desk and i don't know, but i just miss you guys. i don't know if any of you even read the blog, but if you do, just know i love you as brothers and often think of these times that were some of the best of my life. i'm praying for all of you.

how can we ever learn to be intimate with another if we are not first intimately aware of God?

i am a very easily confused person. other people confuse me, reality confuses me, and most of all i confuse myself. Something like, "What i don't want to do, i do; and what i do want to do, i don't do."

At any rate, i keep learning that living life is much less easy than it seems. As a Christian, i find it extremely difficult to come to terms with the conditions in which other Christians around the world live. They live in poverty, they fight constant battles against AIDS and other devastating physical illnesses, they live in constant fear of being killed. They are in no way immune to the tragedies the world offers. This is something i can't understand or fathom or sympathize with. In fact, it bothers me to such an extent that i often feel guilty for living a life that's so easy. i've alluded to my tendency to ask "Why?" about so many things. But quite recently, i have begun to realize that my life as a Christian in the U.S. is not easy. It is quite different from the life of a Rwandan Christian or a Chinese Christian, but not necessarily easier. i've often heard Christians from Mexico and other countries talk about how they pray for us because they realize how hard it is to walk with our God in the culture that surrounds us, but it hasn't really clicked till just now why they are so concerned.

Satan is not very blatant in a lot of ways in Western culture. It's not like we can very often see angelic and demonic forces evident in our day to day lives. You know, no exorcisms in the town village. No, it's a lot more complicated and covert. Constant bombardment with media is a nice tool for him. Music, movies, news, porn, etc, etc. i mean, some of it seems pretty bad right from the outset, but honestly the consequences aren't like having a demonic possession. At least not immediately. But a lot of it doesn't even seem like it's bad to begin with. It gets disguised with humor and intellectualism and emotional well-being and the like. The thing is, all of this bombardment eventually just throws up a wall of enmity between me, and you, and God. When the world is constantly communicating to us, and when we constantly communicate with the world, when do we have time for God? What's created is a type of immorality that perhaps is different than what you might find in other places. No better and no worse, just different. And that immorality, whether sexual or intellectual or spiritual or what have you, causes a pain that goes just as deep as the pain experienced by people around this world. And that is where the whole world is brought to its knees by sin. It matters not whether you make $5 million a year and live in Beverly Hills or if you live in a cardboard box in South Africa. We all have this "problem of pain" as C.S. Lewis put it.

So that brings me back to my own life. This past weekend involved a lot of what some people would call "soul-searching." Basically just looking at my life and the way i live and how i interact with people and the God who created us. One of the many things i've realized is that for some reason i'm at a place where God just wants me to realize the pain that others experience. And He's been trying to show this to me for 20 years now. Having 7 year old friends talk about their parents divorcing while mine were happily married. Having a friend who came to such a point in their life that they tried to commit suicide. Seeing family torn apart by a husband's selfishness. Having a friend go through a terrible boating accident before our senior year. Having another friend diagnosed with cancer. Knowing that my own parents have had to go through what no parent should have to go through. i could go on for pages about what i now see as God's way of trying to show me that my life is not my own. Trying to show me that He did not create me and me only. Trying to show me that He loves everyone enough to die for them. And so should i.

It all culminated this weekend when another dear friend of mine shared a part of their life that is full of more pain than i can even fathom. A kind of pain that no person should have to bear and which no one would if sin had not entered the world. As i was sitting there listening to a story of life that had been invaded by trauma, it was like all the pain of the people i've interacted with my whole life became suddenly real to me. It wasn't just something i knew in my head, it was something i felt in my heart and in my gut. It was a realization that sin has so messed up this world that people will do anything to hurt other people; that sin makes ugly what was meant to be so beautiful; that we can't escape it. But then my friend talked about something that just floored me. Healing. How in the midst of all of this pain could there be healing of any kind? How can there ever be healing from a realization that your parents don't love each other, or maybe even you, anymore? How can there be healing from a son or daughter's death?

There is healing because God's love for us is beyond all comprehension. There is nothing you can do and nothing i can do and nothing anyone or anything in all the universe can do that would separate us from the love of Christ. He who willingly gave His own life to save us from the sin that causes such pain offers healing that i would never endeavor to describe with words. Pain is too deep to be handled by ourselves. God, our Helper, the Great Physician, He is offering healing even now...

"The thought of my suffering and homelessness
is bitter beyond words.
I will never forget this awful time,
as I grieve over my loss.
Yet I still dare to hope
when I remember this:

The faithful love of the Lord never ends!
His mercies never cease.
Great is his faithfulness;
his mercies begin afresh each morning."

Lamentations 3:19-23

"i'm dying to breathe in these abundant skies..."

Love prevails. it conquers. it redeems. it is self-sacrificial. it is undeniable and made perfect in God. Only He offers it freely to us, and He demands that we offer it as freely as we can to those around us. It is much bigger and greater and deeper than romance or infatuation and is not confined by time, beauty, or attraction. This is how we know what Love is: Jesus Christ.

If you fail as often as i do at this, it's an everyday occurrence. We have gotten into this habit as a generation of throwing around the word "Love" as though it carries as much weight as a feather. We "love" our girlfriends and boyfriends until it's time for a new one because the old model wasn't putting out. We "love" our parents until they are inconvenient. We "love" our friends until the drama opens up in Act 1, scene 3. It's all wrong. "Sometimes the people who say 'i love you' will be the last to just have your back." John Mayer said that, and while he's not exactly the deepest guy in town, that's the truth in a nut-shell.

Look at what Jesus did for us. That's Love. It doesn't describe Love or characterize it or paraphrase it. It IS Love. It is not a question of definition, because Jesus and Love are synonymous. God has ordained Love from eternity past. The Trinity embodies it. No comparisons or analogies or metaphors, just IS.

pwned

i can't think of something right now. i'll edit later.

i used to watch the old Batman movie, and Robin said things like "Holy Sardines Batman!!!" i don't know why i just thought of that. One time i counted all the weird things he said, and it was a lot. i can't remember how many, probably 1000.

No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.

Romans 8:37-39

"I ought to be crucified, crucified on a cross, not pitied!" ~ Marmeladov in Crime and Punishment

There's only so much ignorance of reality that can go on before you realize that, contrary to what you might believe, you do not make up the center of the universe, and that in fact, life in its realest state goes on whether you are living it or not.







"The moon will shine like the sun,
and the sunlight will be seven times brighter,
like the light of seven full days,"
But why?

These are things too great for me to imagine
My mind is, after all, feeble
To me, to my eyes, i don't know...
But the moon is already rich
And the sun is the definition of brightness in my head

And yet, in my heart there is something else
For there i can see and feel and know that truth is true no matter the source
In my heart there is change
In my heart there is Love
Though sometimes my mind and eyes and head would shroud the things my heart knows to be true
my Flesh is sinful

But always i know that my heart has been rescued
And that my whole self has been pardoned
Then my mind and eyes and my brain start to see the world
The way You see it.

hahaha

"This has been a comprehensive beating."

~Patrick McEnroe on Andy Roddick's performance against Bjorn Phau.

"This road that is narrow is the one we should follow..."

i think the best students of life are not those that have the best answers, but rather those that ask the best questions. i really struggle with giving too many "answers."

Jesus asked, "But who do you say that I am?"

i know what i say a lot with my lips about Jesus, but even more deeply do i know that what my heart and life say betray my lips. "And I said: "Woe is me!For I am lost; for I am a man of unclean lips, and I dwell in the midst of a people of unclean lips; for my eyes have seen the King." (Isaiah 6)

Why does God continue to long and wait and even yearn for us?

Why does He so passionately rain Grace upon Grace?

Why is there genocide and peace at the same time?

For what purpose has God blessed me so?

To what end am i looking?

What is God's timing and how can i live within it?

Why did Jesus die for decedents like me?

How am i now a son of the One True God?

Why do i have feelings if i know not what to make of them?

What is at the center of my life?

What is at the center of your life?



Good questions make us search for and discover things about ourselves that we'd often rather forget. They help us to rip the veil that covers our heart. To tear down the walls that stand between us and the world around us. To raze the cities that we build to ourselves. When God says, "Who are you and why should I let you into My kingdom?" what will you respond with? Surely nothing you've done. He's already said our righteousness is as filthy rags. No, i think the only answer will be "Because my savior Jesus is here beside me, Your one and only Son, and He has asked to escort me inside. He has invited and i have accepted. i was choked with sin and He was sinless. i was dead, and now i am alive." That is the only way a sinner could ever answer that question.

"Loved by God, not merely pitied..."

For things to go smoothly, they must first be chaotic. At least, that's what makes sense to me. This seems to be the universal norm. The thing is, it didn't start out that way. I mean, make no mistake, creation from it's beginning was perfect. It was flawless and unmatched. But then Adam and Eve did what we all would have done. That was when everything got turned upside down. It went from perfect to imperfect in less than an instant. A complete shift in everything the world stood on. The very foundation of life itself was disrupted, and ever since then there has been a struggle by humanity to deal with it.



Thank. God.

"Through the fire and rain..."

"All we have to decide is what to do with the time that is given to us."

arms open wide...

To guard against a narrow-minded view of humanity, of the way things are--indeed, of reality itself--is to open up a world which you never knew existed. Perhaps one which you didn't wish to exist. Certainly one which is much too deep to be explained away by political rhetoric, blogs, or opinions. No, that will not do. There is Truth that lies beneath the hurt and pain, the joys and triumphs. There are hardly ever easy answers, but there are answers. Sometimes the answers seem to be more difficult than the questions themselves. To take at face value the unending information that inundates our eyes and then our minds each day is to make a mistake that is not easily mended. For information--data--is useless on its own. Even when we convert the 1's and 0's of information into knowledge, it still does not create a state of mind that is worth living in. No, we must drink the world in, its sights and sounds and smells and information. We must take all of it and strive to go beyond knowledge, beyond the high-school romance view that we have of God and His universe. It must be deeper. It requires intimacy. It demands brokenness. Why? Because we answer to no one here. Not even ourselves. It is only to the Almighty Creator, to the God who would die for you, and for me, to the Giver of life and the very breath of all things that we must answer to. He as paid a price no one else is able to pay. He has called all. There are those who have yet to accept, to simply believe, in the promise He made good on the cross. There is nothing stopping you. There are those who have believed and yet made a mockery of His name, of His sacrifice. Jesus offers forgiveness.

If we all could see the world the way Jesus sees it, revolution would occur.

pardon me, i had to laugh at that.

Grilling out is probably one of my favorite things. People say it's an "American" thing. i'm glad to live here if that's the truth. Truthfully though, i think the reason that we like it in the first place is because of it's simplicity. Cooking something in the open air with fire. You take something that is really inedible or at the very least distasteful and then you kind of unpack all of its savory-ness and then pull it all together into the finished product. i mean, we've been doing that since the dawn of time as far as i can tell. It's human tradition. It's an art-form, really. It's creative process. It's grilling.

"Talking to yourself--that's actually more like listening than speaking."

to the wire...

sometimes i just like to write for writing's sake. i don't think it's necessarily that my thoughts are so important that they must be made public, but it does help to create a more peaceful thought atmosphere than if i was to keep it all to myself.

i'm on this "people" kick right now. i mean, we all are in one way or another at all times, but i suppose i've been contemplating what exactly it should look like when i interact with people of all cultures and backgrounds. It's interesting, and daunting. But it's really hard you know? Like how in the world do you act when your family cuts you deep? Or when a friend closer than a brother just becomes like a stranger? What do you do then? There are moments to verbalize what your mind is shouting but there are other times when silence is the best option. Sure i'm being uber generic right now. Jesus said if a man asks you to go a mile with him, go two miles. ? Yeah, what? So basically, back in the day when the Romans ruled most of the known world there was a practice in Jerusalem where a Roman soldier could legally make a Jew carry all his stuff (armor, etc.) for a mile. So obviously Jews didn't like this. i would not either. And then Jesus came along and He said, "oh guys, please just have a good attitude about that mile."

Except.

Wait.

He didn't say that. He said go two miles.

That's a huge paradigm shift from the way i live most of the time. My philosophy tends to be more of a "go .95 miles, complaining the whole way". Like Jesus said though, it's really easy to be nice to the people that are nice to you. Everyone does that. But to be nice to the people around you who just irk you? That's extremely difficult. And yet, that's where your true mettle is tested. It's where you get a chance to see what it's all about.

Maybe it's like running. The first mile is the worst, but it's like you break through a wall after that. Just maybe in our lives if we would grit our teeth every now and then and just do the hard stuff, just maybe we would find that it makes all the difference.

that was when i ruled the world...

i haven't shaved in quite some time. and i don't care.



here is something to ponder. we often talk about "ordering our priorities." as if they aren't already ordered. what we should instead refer to this activity as is "writing out what we know should be our priorities, in the proper order, and then comparing them to the current order. and then realize that we are doing it all wrong." and not only this, but the manner in which we organize our list is generally all wrong as well. we tend, as is normal for Americans, to list them vertically, with the most important (or so we deem) priority finding its place at the top and so on. in fact, we would be much more correct to describe our priorities in a more circular fashion with a main cog in the middle and with things sprouting out from that center.

The reason for this orbital pattern becomes immediately evident when we really step back and look at our lives. the simple listing of priorities often carries with it a sort of time-value connotation by which we say that "Number One Priority" should be that to which we give the most time. Well, i find that most people would list "family" somewhere above career, and yet i am aware of no one still working about whom could be said that more time was spent with his/her family than at their respective career. Additionally, it is more fitting--in my opinion--that priorities should be organized much like our solar system, because everyone, at their core, has that one thing which really drives them. everyone. It follows then that that "drive" whatever it is, cannot stand alone simply at the top of some list. It must impact the rest of the priorities that make up a person. I think that this type of organization gets rid of the somewhat circular difficulty of trying to use time as the main unit to measure our priorities.

For the Christian, God cannot be measured with time. The importance of God in our lives cannot effectively be measured by how much time we spend reading His words, nor by how much time is spent in church with others who profess the same beliefs as ourselves. The importance of God in our lives is quickly seen by whether we have placed Him as the cog of our lives upon which we deal with family and friends and careers and everything else accordingly. It is a very freeing yet also very scary thing, i think. For it means that your life is no check list, but it also means that your whole life is affected. Everything you do depends on that center cog. If a spoke becomes lose, the whole wheel is affected.

But the beautiful thing with this organization is that time is not compartmentalized. It is just focused. And if it is not focused on God as the central axis of your whole being, then it is focused on something else. We all have one thing there, and it may change from time to time, but a man cannot serve two masters. Either he will hate the one and love the other or he will love the one and hate the other.

"I will not take my love away..."

Beethoven's 9th. such genius.



it's time to unpack. by this i mean firstly that i feel that i have been living out of a suitcase since early May, and this is mostly true. more specifically, though, there is a certain amount of emotional and spiritual unpacking to be done.

OK, so i was in Oklahoma for roughly seven weeks (if you're clever there's a nugget in that sentence).

1. Quiktrip. For those of you who have not had the pleasure of spending time in a location which houses these "gas stations," then i must explain. First, the term "gas station" should never be used to describe QT. Perhaps "store which has everything you could possibly want in the form of refreshment and eatery within hand's reach as you simply pay for your gas". Or, "Four Seasons of convenient stores." Picture this, 49 cent 32 oz. fountain drinks. Anything you could possibly want. Fresh fruit. Wraps and sandwiches. Arizona. at least 4 attendants working. etc. etc. etc. etc.

2. Rodeos. i like them.

3. Tulsa has bad roads, but we shall not speak of them here.

4. i made a trip to the promised land. AKA Norman, OK, home of the Sooners. This was quite the emotional experience. i felt as if a piece of my heart and soul belonged there.

5. dangerous driveways. such an oddity.

6. The Oklahoma City bombing memorial is breathtaking. for some reason this seems to be an event in our nation's history that is often forgotten. After seeing the memorial, i shall not soon forget. If ever given the chance, please go see it and be awed.

7. i helped audit a pageant. this means i got to meet and talk with Miss Oklahoma. Whatever the stereotypes may be in regards to "pageant girls", she certainly did not seem to fit them, and it was a very pleasant opportunity to talk with her, to say the least.

8. i was reminded yet again how much family means to me, and was just blown away as always to realize the heritage that has preceded my time here on Earth.

9. these were in no particular order.


after this time in Oklahoma, i was fortunate enough to be a leadership consultant for the Martha Guy Summer Institute, something talked about in my previous post. i returned from that experience today, and although i am quite tired, i am sad to leave those kids. They really were an immense joy in my life for three weeks, and i hope to have made friendships that will last a long time. Never did i imagine what kind of opportunities the program would bring to me. Never. i am still in a way incredulous over all that i got to do in such a short amount of time, and although i won't mention anymore specifics of the trip, i will say this: during the last three weeks, the overriding theme that has presented itself to me is that people are by far the most important of all the created things this world contains. Sure, it's so simple, but how often do i live as though it were true? In the business realm, where i have lived for the last three weeks, this idea of the importance of people is the foundation of success. Having knowledge is absolutely nothing if you cannot work with others. Knowledge never becomes wisdom without people. Opportunities do not materialize without interactions with people. But this is only a microcosm of what is true not only in our Americanized society, but indeed, throughout the earth. If people are not your priority, you will fail. This is never untrue. Never. People are the reason Jesus came to this dirty world in the first place. They are the object of His love. They are the purpose for which His crucifixion was allowed to take place. They are the beneficiaries of His resurrection.

So what about people? They come and go "as the winter wind as it breathes". They enter our lives and make an impact, instantly. How we choose to interact with people will ultimately shape our lives here. Some are hardly lovable. or so we say. Others seem to be worth the highest price we could pay. However, the price has been set at a reserve that no earthly being could ever pay. That is why people should be the concern of our lives, because God has created us to run to Him. Because many are running away. Who will lead them back? Certainly not a people who care not for their own.

Hollllllaaaaaa

so, I'm what they call a "leadership consultant" for the Martha Guy Summer Institute right now. MGSI is basically a three-week program for High School seniors who are interested in the world of Business where they will create a business plan while learning about topics like accounting and marketing and finance, etc.

1. I don't necessarily feel like this is work. I am having a blast.

we have gone to Lowe's Motor Speedway (took a few laps around the track)
we visited Hendrick Motor Sports, where an ASU alum is the CFO (got a tour inside the garage, something the general public is not allowed to do)
we went white-water rafting on the Watauga River
we chilled on top of Grandfather Mountain
etc. etc. (Valle Crucis Park, Hebron, things that Boone has that your town doesn't)

They actually are doing work, too, but still, this is sick. We haven't even gone to NYC or DC yet. (Mets game, Broadway, etc.)

2. High school kids have changed alot in the last 3 years.

this is not necessarily a bad thing, it's just really different.
that said, i absolutely love hanging out with them. they're a blast.

3. i have been reminded just how much i love my school and my major.

seeing these kids learn the basics has been probably just as valuable for me as it has been for them. it just has provided me with a fresh perspective and passion for what i do.






i could say so much more but i haven't the time. i will say this: appreciate the people God has put in your life. love them and cherish them, for the good and the bad.

"the best way to have a good idea is just to have alot of ideas."

The River
It pushes each bank, waiting and wishing for a straighter path
to Freedom
And there are those who stand by, wistful as the clouds above
Oblivious to the pain of the water before them

Each day
She provides life to creatures less than desirable,
The Fish
They have not a care in the world, they just take and take
And their endless demands of her are never interrupted by thanks

Oh, the Trees
They seem nice, but are only politicians who whisper
In the Wind
Secrets which she cannot see, for she is beneath reality
And their bony soul-less roots are keeping her entrapped anyway.

God,
Surely He knows my struggle towards freedom, my longing
My Need
For He gave me power and strength over land
To make my path shorter, but this thorn in my side is ever present

For I am constantly pouring out my spirit when I feel I need it most
And often I am pushed and shoved to chaos by
The Rain
The rain comes and goes, with no rhyme or reason
And though the change she brings is painful
though I feel the tears of humanity
though every emotion in the universe is bound up in her
She has time to tell me, to give me hope
She has been there

I am the River
I have been used by men in Mississippi and pharaohs in Egypt
I am the River
and I have been cursed for what
He and She did in the Garden of my birth

I am the River
But just ahead, where the horizon never ends
Where there are no walls on either side,
then I shall be the Ocean.

"i'm so goon. summertime, no June..."

even the skrippers. Jesus walks with them.

Finals.

They are hard.



i'm realizing more and more each day just how much i need a Savior. It really isn't very easy for me, to be quite honest. Probably for most people it isn't very easy. We have this condition, this sickness that would try its hardest to keep us from realizing our need for Jesus. It's called sin. The problem with sin is not what we do through sin. The problem with sin is just its very existence that permeates the universe down to the very smallest atom and to infinitely smaller depths that we don't realize exist. That's why i need a Savior.

i'm really tired. i spend a lot of time studying and using my brain and learning, and i was really just discouraged today about accounting. When i say i spend a lot of time studying, that probably should be clarified, but i won't endeavor to do that now. just ask a close friend. most people think i'm crazy. maybe i am. i have no qualms with the fact that i am very driven to get good grades, because God gave me a brain and i enjoy using it. Anyways, i had an exam in the hardest class of my life last night, and i studied a long long time for it. i was well prepared and expected to do well. i went and took it and felt extremely good about it and it made my night. Well, today i looked and saw my grade and it was quite a bit lower than i expected. By now all of you are thinking about just how ridiculous i am for letting this affect me. i understand, but at the same time this is just me. i'm sorry if you think it's stupid, but it really is who i am. i am reallllly passionate about school, and especially this field of study known as accounting. i've come to realize that this quality or flaw, whatever it may be, makes it hard for some people to share their lives with mine, because they don't think i understand what real life is about. i apologize for seeming that way, but i also think those people are largely mistaken. here's the thing. i'm going to be really honest. If you think it's dumb for me to spend 20 hours studying for an exam, i can see your point and will give it to you free of charge. Now, my turn. i think it's dumb to pay for college (or go into debt for it, or have your parents pay for it) and spend all your time throwing frisbee and acting like life is too short to spend your time studying. Get real, please. Look at where you are. A university. A center for learning. If you call yourself a Christian and you aren't out there busting your ass to be the absolute best student you can be, then don't expect respect from students or professors when you start telling them that Jesus can change your life. If He changed your life, then start acting like it in the classroom. At no point in His 33 years on this messy planet did Jesus in any way insinuate that it would be okay to give a half-ass effort in anything in order that you might tell more people about Him. There are, quite simply, 24 hours in each persons day. We all can and should find, no make, the time to be diligent in the classroom and out of it being students and children of the Most High. And it should be seamless. You cannot have one without the other.

i feel like i get on that tangent every now and then, and i didn't even mean to. sorry.

Here's me, though. What i learned today with gusto was that there are just times when you can work as hard as you can, and give your absolute best and still fail by someone's standards. And that is what i did. Not only did that happen, but it about ruined my whole day. The biggest but, though, is that the someone is not the One. That is why i so need a Savior. i need Him to remind me that His standards are not A's only. His standards are not 4.0. i often make those His standards, and that is why it hit me so hard today. i couldn't understand why i could fail when i shouldn't have. Life is hard, though. Much harder than class. And we all will fail even when we are doing the right things. It's at those times when the Comforter makes His presence felt. It's in those times, like today, that i realized that He is the only thing that can complete me. Because everything and everyone else will inevitably fail. No woman on this earth can complete me. No job or any amount of wealth can complete me. I will even fail myself. But never, ever, ever will the Lord God Almighty, who was and is and is to come, fail me. And He will not fail you, either. He promises to bear our burdens with us. He never said He'd take them away, but He'll shoulder them right along side of us, and His half is so much bigger than ours.

Here is Love, vast as the ocean, Lovingkindness as the flood.

In my bedroom in my apartment, i have a picture that is basically just to the left of my head when i am at my desk. This picture contains a group of guys which affectionately call themselves "The Bros." The picture was taken at one of our high school's football games our senior year. It's probably my favorite photo. I love those guys like brothers, and that is why we call ourselves by that name.

i typically am a person who really enjoys having things laid out in front of me. i have no patience for not knowing. This is not all bad, because being in the field of accounting requires this type of person to some extent. But i'm just so tired of being busy. i'm tired of feeling like God is an old friend from high school. i'm tired of remembering when talking was something we did all the time and knowing that it's now just something i do. i'm tired of feeling like worship isn't real. i'm tired of feeling calloused. i'm tired of carrying everything on my back like the huge textbooks i seem to be forever buried in. For Jesus is my first and only true love, and while i am continually seeing Him work in and around me every single day of my life, i have been feeling for some time now that i am putting up a wall in our relationship. David said in the Psalms that all God asks for is a broken heart. He doesn't want fancy sacrifices or cool prayers or memorized Bible verses all the time. He just wants my broken heart. A heart that longs for nothing else to fill it except the Love which has turned the world upside down forever. A heart that realizes that at the foundation of mankind is the same problem. The problem of sin. There is no good person or bad person at the bottom of it all.

Only God and sinners.

God calls for me to be broken over my sin and realize that the only thing that can bridge the chasm between sinners like myself and the holy God of the universe is the cross upon which His Son Jesus died. i know this is true and i have placed my deepest faith in His promise to all of us. But so often i forget from where it was that i was rescued. More importantly, i forget from whom i was rescued. i was rescued from my self. On an October night in 1993 i was made new, but how often i forget! Oh how often.

Christians in Rwanda and in poverty- and war-stricken places all over the world are praying for Americans right now. Even those of us who would call ourselves Christians. Why? Because we are never broken. We are always put together. At least we think so. But because nothing on the outside, nothing in our culture or society can break us, we refuse to allow ourselves to be broken so that God can refine us like gold. So we continue to live inside a huge lie that keeps many of us, even Christians, from tasting the abundant life that Christ offers. An abundant life that is peaceful and rich even if i have nothing to my name besides the clothes on my back and if i am living amidst civil unrest. That is what i want. i want a life the is so real that my circumstances cannot dictate it. i crave an existence that matters for eternity regardless of my reputation. i need to feel God surround me once more in the way that He so longs.

The Great Rescue

I see the mountains before me
The ocean beside me
The canyon behind me
And my sin surrounds me

And fear lives inside me
Unless someone will guide me
The love of a Father
The strength of a Savior

Now the mountains are growing
The ocean is storming
And the canyon is so wide that I could never cross it alive.

So Jesus, rescue me!
Reach Your nail-scarred hands
And save me from myself
Tell me I am Yours
For You are my first Love
The world will never be the same
The Greatest Rescue is God with us

Higher than the mountain
And deeper than the ocean
So much wider than the canyon
Nothing can separate us
From the Love of Christ that saves us

pero Dios...

There is in Mexico City a spirit of revolution that i have never felt in my life before. The air is thick with the smell of rebellion and change. It cuts through the smog of the city like a sword, and leaves in its wake the fragrance of a mighty King. I saw it in the eyes of the Cali 6--guys who came down to the city with a common vision of living life among all kinds of Mexican people in the same way that Jesus would have. A life of genuine relationship and devotion to the interests of others. I saw this spirit in the eyes of my friends Abram and Daniela--students at a university with 300,000 others. They want nothing more than to see their campus transformed into a living, breathing vessel of Christ-followers who will change the entire world. I saw it in the eyes of those who had never heard of such an idea so radical as the one we proposed to them. An idea that the God of the universe--indeed, the God who created the universe--would love each one of them (personally) enough to leave His home in heaven to die in their stead. An idea that life goes beyond intellect and touches each social and spiritual part of our lives. An idea that God offers life itself so abundant that each day begins with a definite purpose that crosses cultures with a cross that is the one and only symbol of Grace. Most importantly, an idea that God offers that life as a free gift for everyone.

i so wish that i could feel that same revolutionary spirit here. What if we all just got on our knees and were just prayer warriors for the campus we live on; for this city; for this country? What if we were intentional about spreading love to people here in our actions and words? What if we got out of our stupid bubbles of "christiandom" and were willing to be vulnerable with people who are different than us? What if we celebrated our weaknesses so that God's power could be made perfect in us? He promises that He will arrive in powerful ways.

"Let us acknowledge the Lord;
let us press on to acknowledge Him.
As surely as the sun rises,
He will appear;
He will come to us like the winter rains,
like the spring rains that water the earth."
-Hosea 6:3

It hardly ever rains in Mexico City during this time of the year, but we witnessed a spectacular thunderstorm on Thursday night. Maybe, just maybe, God was trying to tell us that He has heard the cries uttered on behalf of la Ciudad de Mexico and is raining His Spirit down upon it. Maybe you'd like to be a part of that. i know i do. History is being made, and what could be better than being part of a revolution that God started? It stands no chance of failure, though the enemy will try his hardest to put down the insurgents. The God of Light longs to redeem these Mexican people, and they are longing for a Savior.

we are living on the edge of eternity.
how are you preparing for it?

locus sigilli

"For there is love that is as strong as death
Jealousy demanding as the grave
And many waters cannot quench this love."

God bends His ears just to hear what they say

It's snowing really hard right now. Earlier, i was tired of doing homework, and so i closed the books and just walked outside for a while. You know, i really love snow. i have always just really enjoyed seeing it fall. i don't ski or snowboard or anything on it; i just like to watch it. It brings me peace and it allows me an escape. As i was walking i began to wonder if i would like snow as much if it was always falling? i don't think i would.

Then i began to think, what if i began to look at the hard times in my life in the same way i look at snow? What if i saw in my trials that same cold, hard, vivid beauty of the snow covered mountains around me? As something which makes the beauty of Spring and Summer that much more alive? As an opportunity to deepen my appreciation of the warmth of the unfathomable love of Jesus Christ?

All too often i am just like the people here who complain incessantly about the snow, simply because it makes their morning commute a little messier than normal. Simply because they have to wear ugly boots and wear unfashionable clothes and have messed up hair. i complain about the smallest hardships in my life, refusing to see them as the "light and momentary afflictions" that Paul speaks of. The thing about snow is that i enjoy it because i know that i can run back into my apartment when it gets too cold and windy. And so it is with my life, although i don't often live that way.

The reality is that the world can be bitterly cold at times. It can batter you around with a wind so furious that you lose all sense of direction. It can blind you and leave you feeling numb to everything and everyone around you. But that is why i believe so firmly in the saving grace of Jesus and what He did on the cross for you and i. He said "in this world you will have troubles, but take heart, for I have overcome the world." That is only thing that really gives me a purpose. i pretend all the time that other things fulfill my need for meaning, but when the rubber meets the road, these are just lies i feed to myself. And people say that Christians just use Jesus as a crutch. Well, i have yet to meet a person that didn't need a crutch of some sort. My God is much better than a crutch, though. He is mighty to save.

only Love could make a way

i haven't had much sleep lately. and i've had a sinus infection. and exams. and stuff i hate dealing with. i just have a huge aversion to all of these things happening at once. it's like, come on, do i really deserve this now? i'm trying to have a life here, God. i'm trying to make A's and be cool and say nice things and just be the man. i want to have the right answers at the right time and sneer at people who have wrong answers all the time. i want to be recognized and envied. i'm 20 years old and i would much rather be 25. i hate wasting time, and yet my definition of wasting time is often completely twisted.

i don't know. i'm just ranting. But if i can't be honest here, where can i be honest? i guess what i'm getting at is that sometimes stuff happens--and maybe this is true in your life, too--where i just realize how utterly and completely i am lost in myself. Seriously, i am so prideful that i get to a place in my day where i get angry at other people for not noticing me in the way i think they should. In fact, there's a good chance that if you're reading this blog and know me, that you've experienced this part of me, whether you were aware of it or not. It's nothing short of sickening what this stupid, fleshly, carnal part of me will do to gratify itself.

i have nothing else to say, really. i have sin in my life. and not until i realize that what i make excuses for is actually sin do i begin to see that these are the things that Jesus came here for. He came to cleanse me of the black, slimy, corrosive sin in my heart. That's what is worthy of awe. Though i don't always realize just exactly what He has done for me, each time i get a glimpse of it, it just bowls me over. Only when i delight in who i am in Jesus can i keep from being consumed in who i pretend to be in my flesh.

simple on sunday

sometimes i wander
and circles i turn
and find myself lost
where am i going?

sometimes i wonder
and my self is unsure
who am i today?
where is I Am?

sometimes i ponder
and mirrors are blank
why is there death
and why is life defiled?

so everything moves
my body, mind, and soul
and the road becomes narrow
that leads to the Truth

but Truth is real
in my heart i know this much
for death was defeated,
life was restored

do you wander, wonder, and ponder?
what burns in the depths of you?
what road have you taken?
and if you had one sentence more,
what would you say?

The same Power that conquered the grave lives in me.

"Mexico City has 28 million inhabitants in its metropolitan area. There are over 400 universities in Mexico City filled with over 1 million students. The largest and most prestigious university in Latin America, UNAM, boasts 300,000 students by itself. El Zócalo is one of the oldest, largest squares in the world. Mexico City is big. Really, really big.

Since going to Mexico City last year for Spring Break, and especially in the last couple of months, I have been struck with just how big God is. I have seen that the King who came down to die for peasants like you and me is so big that He can take a really tall, white, non Spanish-speaking person like myself and still somehow use him in kingdom work in Mexico. It is really amazing actually, the paradoxical reality inside which we as Christians find ourselves. We know that Jesus is King, and yet we know that the Prince of this world is an evil one. We know that Jesus will come someday to physically rule with a mighty hand, but we also somehow see that Kingdom in part today. There is a constant tension between seeing Christ work in the lives of Mexican students first hand and then seeing vast mountain-sides covered in slums of people who are barely living. We see the frightening consequences of sin, and we see the power of Redemption at work. We watch for His return without forgetting that we are here for a reason. We put our faith individually in the Cross of the Messiah, but we act out our faith corporately with millions and billions of others. Our God is mighty to save and gentle to comfort. He is the Lamb and the Lion. He is both Servant and King. And Mexico is messy, yes, but it is also beautiful, because God is at work there."

When i put that into my "support" letter, i really just wanted to try to communicate the so-called "Beautiful Mess" that we have been discovering at CRU this year. i wanted to try to invite others to share the incredible lessons that we have seen already. Even last night after CRU, when we heard that the father of one of our adopted families had died, we saw that intensely powerful paradox first-hand. We had sung of our yearning for the Father. Our desire to see Him work in our lives and in our world and in our love. And then we see that this world is so broken that a family in that condition has just lost its Dad. Broken isn't even the right word. Shattered. Obliterated. Mangled beyond recognition. It is nothing like what God intended. And i just sat there almost numb. why? Why do these things happen? Because sin affects each and every part of our lives, whether or not we are even sinning.

But here is the absolutely amazing thing: the sin that has brought injustice, and war, and famine, and sickness--the sin that has brought death--it cannot stand up to the One who has conquered it. It has been given temporary reign here, sure. It can tear apart families. It can destroy relationships. It can ruin nations and peoples. It can even make your heart an eternal winter. But it can never hurt anything or anyone beyond repair, because Jesus can always mend a family. He can put back together relationships. He can preserve nations and peoples. Most of all, He can take your heart and warm it in His own embrace.

Jesus never promised that life would be easy. In fact, He told us it would be hard. He didn't tell us all the reasons why it would be hard, but i suspect that would just confuse our feeble minds anyways. In what He said, though, there is eternal Hope.

"I have told you these things, so that in Me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world."