First of all, i'd like to say that i hope my tendencies toward introspection are not confused for a somewhat joy-less or pessimistic or depressed outlook on the life i'm currently living. Yes, there are times when i'm confused and disturbed or even sad and angry, but i can honestly say that at the end of most days i realize that the final chapter has already been written and that God was won the victory over such things as confusion and bitterness. Notice that this is not every day, because like Peter, i deny my Savior at times.
Okay, so i love listening to a guy named Andy Stanley. He's the pastor of a church in the Atlanta area called Northpoint Community Church. If you get anything out of this blog post, please let one of those things be the following: find his podcast on itunes, and download the three sermon series entitled "Losing Your Religion." It's free. Now, if you're reading this and you don't believe in a God or a higher power or "intelligent design" or Buddha or praying five times a day or whatever, because you think religion is more harmful than beneficial, please don't ignore that you need to listen to those three sermons. If you can put up with me talking about God alot, then i'm positive you can put up with Andy. Essentially he goes ahead and says what people have been thinking for centuries, and that is that religion seems awfully ineffective. And weird. And dangerous. And stupid. That may offend you or make you uneasy. That means you should listen to what he has to say.
Now, to sort of mosey my way back to my "introduction," if you will. i admit readily, though probably not often enough, that i am what my older sister calls "emotive." What this means is a couple of things. Firstly, i am very passionate. i throw my whole being into activities (basketball, academic success, music) and ideas (OU football, UNC basketball, the Netherlands) and people (family, friendships, relationships that "friend" falls short of describing--brothers, romantic endeavors, etc.) and hopefully the God around which those other parts of my life must revolve. Secondly, i think so much about those things that i forget my face and body language show what's going on. This hits on more of the "emotive" idea. It's not just that something's "wrong" but usually more complex than that. While some people can brush things that happen quickly away, i analyze and reanalyze and maybe at times overanalyze. i like to use the word "confusion," because i think that it aptly describes my state of mind that prompts people to ask (because of cues my body language has given them) things like, "What's eating at you?" or "Did you have a rough day?" or "What happened?" Confusion is also a good word for what i think i can do to other people. By nature i am very introverted, but there are parts of me that at times just want to be a little crazy and weird and around people i know and love doing fun things. i think this confuses people because i seem to get my energy from being by myself sometimes and other times by being with people. i have seen this cause awkwardness on a number of occasions in which i meant no such outcome to happen.
Here's the thing: while i recognize that i am both confused and confusing at times, i cannot stress to you enough how very much i love life. i can sit here all day and write about God and how He does things that are crazy and incomprehensible and amazing and become a "banging gong," if you will (and i hope i'm not), and you may or may not think i'm sincere. But really, when it comes down to the very foundation of why i write and why i take time away from things like individual income taxation to write, it's because i so very much hope that the people God has put into my life that have blessed me beyond measure can somehow be blessed in return through what i have to say. You see, God isn't just a symbol of abstract theology to me. He isn't my "parents' religion." He isn't a republican or a democrat. He doesn't answer to superstition and no words can even describe Him fully. He is my Father. He has put purpose into a life that would be so bitter and angry and power-hungry all the time if He had not so graciously paid my ransom on a cross 2000 years ago. That's why i love life, because it is not my own. It is God's first and then it belongs to those i love. When i live that out, God gives me a joy that is not of the world in which we find ourselves.
So, in closing, i apologize sincerely for having a "down in the dumps" mentality at times. Whether or not i am at that moment angry or just pensive is hard to tell, i know, but please realize i'm working on it. i promise with all my heart that i have joy in my life. Promise.
No comments:
Post a Comment