i don't understand it, but i do know it. and that makes all the difference.

There is that one thing there
Inside somewhere
In the morning when i rise
Or when dreams of rapture cleanse my eyes

It tells me this and that
"you're really bad at this, and terrible at that"
And whatever it is inside?
You should know now that it is right

For i will fail, and who knows why?
But try as i may, i could never cease to try
There are small victories to be won,
Hope to be had, see the rising sun

So please understand
i am just a man
Merely a peasant,
Yet a son of the King.

"To pluck the mask from the face of the Pharisee, is not to lift an impious hand to the Crown of Thorns."

Because of the extreme nerd content of the previous post, i deemed it necessary to begin a completely new post in order to change subjects. Actually, i realized just now that all my posts are full of nerdy things. If you don't like that, i'm sorry. But you don't have to read it, after all. i mean, truly, the beauty of the self-publishing world is that i don't have an editor that has a different identity than myself. And so here you are, reading what flows mostly simultaneously from my heart and my head directly through these Dutch hands of mine and into cyberspace. i can think of few things that are cooler. Thank you for reading, dear reader.

Now, onward.

visit this link and make a shoebox:
https://www.samaritanspurse.org/index.php/OCC/Pack_A_Shoe_Box/

i'm going to keep posting that link, so don't think you're off the hook when you finish reading this post. Seriously, make a shoe box. Put some thought into it. Giving to someone in need is the essence of healing, the center of the Truth of Jesus, and the beginning of amazing change in our own lives. Basically the deal is if you're reading this, you're rich. Filthy rich. What that means is that you may have worked hard, or your parents may have worked hard, or whatever, but when the credits roll, the question still is, "What did you do with all that money?" Because you working doesn't mean you deserve to be rich. If the world followed that logic of fairness then it certainly wouldn't look the way it does today. Let me try and give you just a little perspective. The kids receiving these gifts most likely don't even have a conceptual grasp on what a gift actually is. Why? Because truth be told, they've probably been in positions where they've had to take things just to survive. And so a gift to them is not even something that crosses their radar. The amazing thing about Operation Christmas Child is that you get to be the giver of what could quite easily be a child's first gift, and even more, to provide in that shoe box perhaps the first presentation of the Truth of Jesus that they've ever encountered.

Think about it. Embrace problems and do what you can to fix them. "We have all eternity to celebrate our victories, but only one short hour before sunset in which to win them."



photo by jwil

"i'll build a bridge through the fire..."

So for those of us who would at times be tempted to call ourselves "writers," that is, for those of us who choose to write when there is no assignment; really, for those of us who just love to write; there often come times when the words of other "writers" bring us to a quick and violent realization that there are definitely people in this world who can do much, much more with words than we. In that vein, i am very, very careful to ever use the word "writer" when describing myself. Insert the word "aspiring" and perhaps we have a more accurate picture.

**nerd alert**

The Bronte sisters were geniuses. Absolute geniuses. i won't even try to give any biography here because their respective depths of character overwhelm the scope of this blog. But my younger sister brought the following passage to my attention and i must share it. Profound is not a decent enough word for it. This comes from the preface to the second edition of Charlotte Bronte's Jane Eyre. Keep in mind this is not the story, not any part of the real book, but merely the preface. In this passage, a mere portion of the preface, she says more than most of us will say in a lifetime. So read it, chew on it, read it again, and let it just sink in your mind a little.

"Having thus acknowledged what I owe those who have aided and approved me, I turn to another class; a small one, so far as I know, but not, therefore, to be overlooked. I mean the timorous or carping few who doubt the tendency of such books as "Jane Eyre:" in whose eyes whatever is unusual is wrong; whose ears detect in each protest against bigotry--that parent of crime--an insult to piety, that regent of God on earth. I would suggest to such doubters certain obvious distinctions; I would remind them of certain simple truths.

Conventionality is not morality. Self-righteousness is not religion. To attack the first is not to assail the last. To pluck the mask from the face of the Pharisee, is not to lift an impious hand to the Crown of Thorns.

These things and deeds are diametrically opposed: they are as distinct as is vice from virtue. Men too often confound them: they should not be confounded: appearance should not be mistaken for truth; narrow human doctrines, that only tend to elate and magnify a few, should not be substituted for the world-redeeming creed of Christ. There is--I repeat it--a difference; and it is a good, and not a bad action to mark broadly and clearly the line of separation between them.

The world may not like to see these ideas dissevered, for it has been accustomed to blend them; finding it convenient to make external show pass for sterling worth--to let white-washed walls vouch for clean shrines. It may hate him who dares to scrutinise and expose--to rase the gilding, and show base metal under it--to penetrate the sepulchre, and reveal charnel relics: but hate as it will, it is indebted to him.

Ahab did not like Micaiah, because he never prophesied good concerning him, but evil; probably he liked the sycophant son of Chenaannah better; yet might Ahab have escaped a bloody death, had he but stopped his ears to flattery, and opened them to faithful counsel."

everything i need.

What are you doing with your life? i don't mean where are you going or what are you going to be doing, but at this point in your life right now, what in the world are you doing with it? It's no easy question. It tends to kick me in the gut when i pose it to myself. The reason why i ask it is not to be the cause of guilt, but to be the hopeful impetus for some real thinking on your part, because if you are anything like me, you find that it is frighteningly easy to get to a point when you realize that life happens very quickly, regardless of whether you're making the best of it or not. Regardless of whether it has real meaning or not. But the kicker is not actually the question i posed, but really another statement that encompasses that question: Forget the past, and start living. Realize that new beginnings await the turn of every corner, the bend in every curve, the depths of every valley, and the peak of every mountain. Have a heart change.

Now, that paragraph may contain some truth, but the problem with it is that it's the same thing people have been saying for centuries, even millenia, and to no avail. It's the kind of thing that is extremely easy and intuitive to write, and maybe even to read, but in practice it is absolutely impossible.

Unless.

Unless you realize that it is impossible. Unless you realize that you cannot ever hope to accomplish heart change and real living. By yourself. Because when you and i come to a point when we realize the depths of our own futility, then the overwhelming knowledge that comes from that is our need. Our need for help.

Jesus said, "I came that they might have life, and have it to the full." That's the reason He came and accomplished what we cannot ever hope to accomplish! And that is also the single thing which separates Christianity, real Christ-centered Christianity, from everything. At the center of what Jesus said is nothing about what we do. In fact, the center of His message was the very fact that we can't. We can't be good on our own. We can't live life with meaning. We can't be righteous. That's why He took all of our sins upon Himself on the cross. At that point God looked at humanity, even in the depths of our sin, and saw Jesus as the fulfillment of His wrath. What we could never satisfy--namely, God's demands for holiness--Jesus completely satisfied.

"Listen to me, you stubborn of heart.,
you who are far from righteousness:
I bring near my righteousness; it is not far off,
and my salvation will not delay."
~Isaiah 46:12,13

i talk alot in this blog about the way we should love others and love God, but i've been struck recently about the other side of that equation. How do we receive God's immense love? So often we try to limit it and decide what we think we deserve from God. We look at our own faults and shortcomings and we have no idea how the God of the entire universe could love us. And yet He does.

So now, the question becomes, "Are you allowing God to give your life meaning?" He will. And meaning is what we all yearn for. We look for it everywhere, we find it temporarily in many things. But in our most honest moments we know that those things often leave us with an even deeper longing than we had to begin with. The craziest thing is that the longing we have for true meaning in our lives doesn't even compare to the passion God has for us to come to Him.

Wow.

all words are made up, so there really are no "made up" words.

i'm an accountant. i'm not professional yet, but i'm an accountant all the same. i've said it before, but i'll say it again: i really can't stand not knowing what the future holds for me. That relates to me actually liking accounting, because anyone who actually likes accounting also likes control, at least this has been my experience in my classes and among professionals. At any rate, trust is very hard, even when God is the object of it. It's really scary and unfamiliar and uncomfortable, but as i've realized the past two days, it's almost uncannily freeing. i mean, it's still scary and unfamiliar and at times uncomfortable, but freedom is always that way. When you are a slave to anything (like i often am to desire for control) you forget what freedom looks like, to such an extent that it can in some ways be more comfortable to remain in slavery. Look at the Israelites. They did nothing but complain even after having been rescued from 400 years of bondage in Egypt. Look at any revolution --American, French, etc.-- and you always see people who hold on to the old ways, no matter how backward they are, because they are afraid of new.

i just tend to be afraid of stepping outside of what i've come to know. And that's exactly what trust requires. For me, i always try to take control of a situation and do what i think i need to do to not mess things up. It's so backward, but i think that if i don't take care of the situation then no one else, not even God, will take care of it. Trust means i know that God is in ultimate control and that i need to be ready to just be obedient in the little things as they come along. It isn't complacency or cowardice so much as it is stepping back and realizing that i'm a lot worse at "taking care" of a situation than i think.

So that's a part of my life that i tend to get "stuck" in. Trying to do everything myself. It's so dumb, but it really is a struggle for me. If you know me, you're probably nodding your head as you read this post, because i know it's obvious. But maybe with little steps of trust and faith Someone will pull me out of the rut.



"Fear not, for I have redeemed you;
I have summoned you by name; you are mine.

When you pass through the waters,
I will be with you;
and when you pass through the rivers,
they will not sweep over you.
When you walk through the fire,
you will not be burned;
the flames will not set you ablaze.

For I am the LORD, your God,
the Holy One of Israel, your Savior"
~from Isaiah 43

How can i not trust that? i mean, He is going to take care of everything and it all will work out in His timing. There are hard times for sure, we all know that. There are times when life can just suck the wind from your lungs and fill you with fear and sadness and doubt, but in the end there is victory over all of that in the blood of Jesus. There is more than victory, there is life eternal and full in the knowledge of God loving you. Just trust Him.

"Why do you look for the Living among the dead?"

So this is just kinda a quick update to the last post basically. i had the opportunity to talk to a really cool guy today on King Street. He was just chillin outside ODB, playing his guitar and harmonica and after i just listened to him for awhile i started talking with him about music and how he learned to play guitar and harmonica at the same time, etc. So we talked off and on in between songs and it was really cool just to see such a genuine human being who had such a joy about him, even though it was evident that when it came to materialistic things he wasn't exactly well off.

Anyways, as conversation progressed, we talked about everything from Johnny Appleseed to Doc Watson and then to deeper things like the way we as humans treat other humans with such disdain sometimes. i mean, both of us could think of a time within the last few days when we had just realized how much we take for granted. He spoke of seeing a man a few days ago pushing his five-year-old son out of the restaurant, and just feeling a sense of deep sympathy while also realizing that he so often just takes the ability to walk for granted. He made a very intriguing comment tho, he said, "It's so hard not to put yourself and your own interests above other people." And it's sooo true. It's really easy to talk about putting others before yourself, but in practice it is far from easy. The coolest thing was that the conversation just getting deeper and deeper until it just naturally flowed into conversation about God and His relationship to the world we live in. He listened as i told him my thoughts on God and the way i see Him work in my life, and i don't necessarily think he agreed with what i said, but he at least respected what i believe.

All that to say that what Bald Guy said last night was so true. It's tiny living. It's just being available. You don't have to worry about when to say things as much as you just have to be ready to say them when it's natural. And when you have something like the Gift of God to talk about, it's really hard to go wrong with timing.

"did i get too close in the pouring rain?"

Waiting.

It's so hard for me to wait. i mean it's like unbearably difficult at times for me to know when. One of the issues that's so taxing is knowing that there are times when God really makes it known in your life what His timing is so you can walk in it, but there are other times when He gives us so much freedom. It's when i feel like He gives me that freedom that i don't know what in the world i'm doing. The thing is, i know i have to step out in faith as a man and do what i need to do, but i'm so afraid i'll ruin everything.

In case you hadn't noticed, i definitely don't have it all together.

So today, i saw a couple of the other Chancellor's scholars on campus and our little five minute conversation really made me nostalgic for that freshman year when we all lived together. We really had a blast. Time doesn't just fly. It basically travels at a speed approximately 1.58 times faster than light itself. Anyways, don't know if any of you guys read this thing, but i miss all that learning we did together and i love those little impromptu reunions we have from time to time. The picture in this blog is quite possibly one of my favorite all time moments (from our NYC trip) as someone dared me and JR to take off our shirts on top of the Empire State building. Naturally, we obliged.

"Now the dwelling of God is with men, and he will live with them. They will be his people, and God himself will be with them and be their God. He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away."

He who was seated on the throne said, "I am making everything new!"
~Revelation 21:3-5